Strictly Come Dancing line-up

It's a true harbinger of autumn along with conkers and Christmas cards appearing in the shops: the announcement of the Strictly Come Dancing line-up.

For the benefit of my US visitors, this is the show that led to all the other SCD versions across the globe and "Dancing with the Stars" in America. It's really big in the UK and has single handedly rescued the career of Bruce Forsyth (who really should be knighted soon, Queen, if you're reading).

So here's my assessment of the line-up announced today and their ideal partner (my selections):
"Bubbly Birds"
Rachel Stevens -- bit of a has-been now and looking to rejuvenate her career. Brown hair in the BBC picture. Makes her look a bit ordinary. Partnered with Anton du Beke because he always gets an old bird with no chance of winning.
Jodie Kodd - looking to revitalise her career after an alleged drugs scandal. Tall skinny ex-model. She'll have to have the lovely Ian Waite because she's so tall.
Heather Small - I remember an amazing voice - "Proud." Maybe Matthew Cutler.

Older Birds
There's always one or two from EastEnders. This time there are two, Jessie Wallace and Gillian Taylforth. For Jessie I would say Vincent and for Gillian, tee hee, the awful Brendan.
Lisa Snowden who went out with George Clooney and makes a clown of herself on Britain's Next Top Model. (She would expect to be in Bubbly Birds category. I'll pair her with Darren Bennett.)

Older Blokes
Chef Gary Rhodes will no doubt be showing off his muscles (I've written about him before, and it wasn't flattering). For him, Karen Hardy.
John Sergeant, 64, is my tip for the first exit. I thought he was fabulous when he stood in on Have I Got News For You? Maybe the lovely Flavia?
Don Warrington with the rich honied tones (ex Rising Damp). Partnered with Erin Boag.

Sports people
The boring and hugely competitive inevitable sportspeople are: Mark Foster, the swimmer who carried our Olympic flag (no medals though) and a rugby player called Austin Healey. For Mark I would recommend Camilla Dallerup and for Austin, Nicole Cutler.

Miscellaneous
The obligatory GMTV presenter is Andrew Castle, the ex tennis player, who will no doubt be ferociously competitive and wanting to do better than Fiona Phillips and Kate Garraway. And that won't be hard, will it? I was hoping for LK.
Some woman from The One Show, Christine Bleakley.
Tom Chambers from Holby City. Don't watch it now (not since Mr Mayer left) so don't know who he is, but would suspect he must be the obligatory young stud muffin when you look at the rest of the men!
For these three, I would recommend the three new professional dancers (wonder who's not taking part this year?).

The obesity epidemic

The Conservatives today said they wouldn't inflict a "nanny state" by intervening to stop the obesity epidemic. This sparked an interesting debate on the Jeremy Vine show, which normally I avoid like the plague. Anne Diamond, the former broadcaster who had her stomach stapled or a gastric band or whatever, is now some sort of obesity spokeswoman, and she sparked off some new thinking for me by highlighting that obesity is also a major problem in countries like Australia and Japan.

Previously I had blamed the obesity problem on previous governments selling off school playing fields; on schools stopping domestic science, so that nobody knows how to cook nowadays, and the fact that nasty old junk food is actually addictive, as proven in "Supersize Me" where the guy's mouth would start salivating every time he went near MacDonald's.

There's obviously some wider social issues at play and it's gratifying to know it's not just Britain that is becoming a nation of lardasses.

Predictably, several listeners rang up to say that fat people should simply eat less, but when food is used as an emotional crutch, it's much harder to say no. I speak from experience as I used to be a bit of a lardass myself but in the last four years have more or less eaten sensibly and exercised. Occasionally half a stone creeps back on, because food is damned enjoyable and I enjoy eating my way round the nation's restaurants, but then I have to rein myself in and go back on the Gillian McKeith regime.

The Hall Marks - a new type of award!

You may have heard of the Blackwell awards where some unknown American lambasts celebrities for their frock horrors each year.

Well, I'm now launching the Hall Mark Awards, a list of people I find interesting - and a list of people I would avoid like the plague.

I can see this becoming a big property on Living TV and I'm quite happy to be styled and loaned some rocks and Manolos.

So without further ado, here is my list of The Most Interesting. I wouldn't invite them to a dinner party at the same time because there would be too much competitive preening and bitching. But on a one-to-one basis, I'd quite happily share my picnic with any of these.
In no particular order:

1) Carol McGiffin: the mouthy one on Loose Women and ex-wife of Chris Evans (see entry 9). We seem to share the same robust views on a number of topics and both belong to the "get a grip" school of, well, getting a grip.
2) Jane McDonald: hmmm there's a Loose Women thread developing here. And do you know, I am actually seeing Lady Jane in Torquay soon with my mum! Love her deadpan northern humour.
3) Sarah and Gordon Brown: I would much prefer to have dinner with the Browns than dinner with the Camerons (see my Really Boring List). I imagine dinner would be simple and unpretentious, Gordon is probably very erudite and well read, and they wouldn't subject their guests to a lot of emperor's new clothes type nonsense.
4) Russell Brand: to start with, I thought he was a mouthy big haired loon, but I now "get" him. Love his word play and cruel personality.
5) AA Gill (Sunday Times critic). Another one with an interesting way with words. His nemesis Giles Coren is on my other list.

6) Jerry Hall: a woman ageing gracefully without using botox or other nasties.
7) Dame Vivienne Westwood: complete class act and as mad as a hatter.
8) Dame Helen Mirren (a dame thread is now developing). For showing what a 62 year old can look like, without making us feel bad about it (see other list entry #10, Madonna).
9) Chris Evans: I didn't use to like him but I get so affronted when he's on holiday and we're lumbered with Richard what's his name (Allison?) that I won't listen.
10) Cynthia Nixon: my favourite from Sex & The City.

The Hall Mark List of Really Boring Tedious People
1) The Camerons: achingly "trendy" Boden clad smoothies who no doubtdrone on about the provenance of their food, which schools are the best, which cars are the most fuel efficient and how they're listening to the Ting Tings (when really they're listening to Shirley Bassey).
2) Gordon Ramsay: so over!
3) Sienna Miller: file under "slapper"
4) June Sarpong: smug

5) Mylene Klass: smug and ubiquitous. Someone stop her from appearing in everything on TV! Fully expecting to see her looming up in Strictly Come Dancing and Countdown.
6) Kate Spicer: hang dog looking journalist and alpha woman, always moaning on about eating disorders and hating fat people (needs to see a shrink if you ask me)

7) Giles Coren: as we saw from "Super size", the man has had a personality bypass. All he seemed to do was frantically chew whatever it was he was given, testicles etc.
8) Jennifer Aniston: needy.
9) Angelina Jolie: pious and smug.
10 Madonna: I admire her for showing that 50 year old women do not become invisible. But she's so controlling and disciplined I long for the couch just thinking about her.

It's not rocket science

Apparently the authorities in Zakynthos and Malia (Crete) are in an uproar about the behaviour of drunken, promiscuous and aggressive young British tourists. Even the British ambassador has been called over to account for himself ("Good lord!").

I'd like to offer some free advice to the Greeks.

If you want to appeal to families and stop the rot of marauding teenagers and 20- somethings, then get your bar owners and restrauteurs to a) close at midnight and b) stop serving cheap alcohol in gold fish bowls.

Simple.

That's what they did in Ayia Napa, Cyprus, and the place is now largely cleansed of these appalling people.

I don't blame the kids themselves. After after working the longest hours in Europe, eating the worst diet and getting no exercise, it's not surprising they feel like letting off steam. The problem is the avaricious bar and restaurant owners who can retire for the winter after a good summer intoxicating the youths of Britain. Close the bars early and hike up the price of alcohol and you'll soon see those parasites, the likes of Club 18-30, seeking a new destination to spoil.

Tears for Paula

I doubt if there was a dry eye in the land as the nation awoke to discover that Paula Radcliffe had another disasterous marathon at the Olympics. Paula was very brave to finish and actually came 23rd so not a terrible performance. Brendan Foster seemed to be suggesting that maybe she shouldn't have run at all, knowing that she wasn't fully prepared for the race. It was very sad nonetheless to see such a great runner failing to add an Olympic medal to her tally of trophies.

This Olympics seems to have been more of a tear jerker than it normally is. Somehow you don't feel like crying for Michael Phelps as he ruthlessly snatches yet another victory, like some sort of automaton. But it's very emotional when the old British flag goes up, particularly when, yesterday, Brits in the velodrome actually started singing the words.

We have done very well this time. People will always sigh about our medal performance but if you compare us to nations with the same size population (eg Turkey, Spain, Poland) we're streets ahead. It all augers well for 2012.

Now, onto 2012. I'm fed up with all the moaning about "we won't be able to top the Chinese opening ceremony." Tosh! Few other countries have the heritage, history and cultural diversity that we enjoy. I'm sure we can pull off an amazingly colourful and entertaining opening ceremony. It doesn't have to have all the hugely expensive computer generated trickery or perfect looking people. I see it including Scottish pipers, Welsh male voice choirs, Irish dancing, ballet, ballroom dancing, scenes from Shakespeare and Dickens....and ending with "All you need is love" performed by Paul & Ringo with the sons of George and John. How about that!

All I hope is that we throw enough money at the 2012 Olympics to make it work like a dream and run like clockwork. I don't want any meltdowns or issues with public transport. We don't want another Terminal 5 type debacle. If we run the Olympics like we run the royal pageants, it should be flawless. Can't wait!

Some random thoughts and not a lorry in sight

Britain's answer to Paris Hilton, Peaches Geldof, has just embarked on her first marriage. I say "first" because I know with doom laden certainty that this sudden Las Vegas coupling isn't for keeps. It seems to be some sort of promotional push for her new husband's band. Ironic, seeing as in an interview recently in one of the "quality" papers she lamented the way she is always being compared to her mother. This after she was rushed to hospital after an alleged drugs overdose.

It seems Peaches cannot exist without the oxygen of press coverage, mostly negative. She seems doomed to travel on the roller coaster of Z list celebritydom and to live out one failed marriage after the next.

Wrong? Hope she proves me wrong. But somehow I doubt it.

Meanwhile the city where I was born, Plymouth, has been in a lather of excitement thanks to 14 year old sychronised diver Tom Daley. (My brother Robert was apoplectic at the Radio Times crediting Portsmouth for this prodigy - a most unfortunate error, given that bloody Portsmouth has been preferred over Devonport and the dockyard there is now doomed to closure).
Unusually for a 14 year old, Tom is confident and lucid, and quickly became over-hyped by the press both in the UK and in China. The fact that his 26 year old diving partner then criticised him when they came bottom didn't surprise me in the least. The poor guy was barely mentioned in the run-up to the Olympics, even though it takes two to do synchronised diving. He was bound to be secretly seething, and by the next Olympics will probably be over the hill.

Let's hope Tom comes good in the individual diving event near the end of the Olympics. Otherwise four words "Eddie The Eagle Edwards" spring to mind.

Picnic Panic

One of the hazards of a UK summer is that you're doomed to being cautiously optimistic, but then having your hopes dashed. If only we could rely on constantly good weather, like we had a couple of years ago!

As I write, it's raining, and I'm hoping that tomorrow will be one of those rare perfect sunny days, as we're off to the Innocent village fete at Regent's Park. It sounds right up my street - I love fetes, but nowadays they're mostly glorified car boot sales.

My mum always has great expectations for Christmas but for me it's all about halycon summers. I'm always living in hope of wonderful picnics, BBQs and garden parties with those little lantern fairy lights threaded on trees. I want tartan picnic rugs, I want chilled Pimms, I want little savoury eggs, lots of laughter and no wasps.

What I invariably get is "light showers" (necessitating umbrellas and unflattering plastic capes as well as the cool box and sun cream), gloomy companions and a sense of "we've had the picnic, can we go now?"

When I was a kid I don't recall many picnics, except for the packed lunches we'd have at Tinside pool. There was always greaseproof paper and a hard boiled egg, and if Grandma was around, a wet flannel (she was ahead of her times, predicting the rise of the Wet Wipe).

What we did do, nearly every Sunday, was go out for a drive after the roast. My dad Stamps was a somewhat irascible character at the best of times and on many occasions he would drive us angrily to somewhere like Tavistock and then say "I've brought you here so enjoy yourselves." Once he got so mad on the way to Newquay (before the Indian Queens bypass) that when we got there, he decided we would go straight home.

But the funniest thing about those trips was the car coats. Do you remember them? What a strange concept - funny anorak type coats that were sold to wear in the car!

I can still picture my nose pressed against the glass of our saluki bronze Cortina, wearing my green car coat, and hoping for laughter and savoury eggs at Tavistock or wherever it was we were headed.

Barry George freed

I wrote a few months ago about the miscarriage of justice that resulted in Barry George languishing in prison for the murder of Jill Dando, a former colleague of mine, whom I did not believe he was capable of killing.

Today he was freed.

Embarrassing for the police who now have to reopen the case. I can't help thinking it's all too convenient for the police to accuse people like Barry George, Stefan Kiszko and Derek Bentley who are easy targets. In a high profile case like Jill's, a decisive result was needed fast. The local "nutter" who idolised several TV celebrities was an ideal candidate. He probably caved in very quickly under questioning because his grasp of reality is apparently very limited.

Goodness knows what his defence case was like in the case that sent him to prison because anyone could blast a thousand holes in it. His "army experience" was a couple of days in the TA (they got rid of him). The evidence against him was purely circumstantial.

He's spent eight years in jail but he's of the lucky ones. Derek Bentley was hanged, (later given a posthumous pardon) Stefan Kiszko was freed after 16 years and died a year later aged 44.