Plymouth gets Christmas makeover

As you read this, dear reader, I will be gallivanting in my ancestral home - Devon - and reclaiming my Four Square mayorship of the power station next door to my mum's house.

So it is apt that today's good news story features my former home city of Plymouth.

Plymouth is to get its Winter Festival complete with ice rink.

The Winter Festival will start with the Christmas lights switch-on on Thursday, November 18. It will feature the Christmas Ice Rink on the Piazza, festive shows at the Pavilions, Christmas markets, Sleeping Beauty at the Theatre Royal, the Christmas Carnival, late-night shopping, festive street entertainment and a special 'Santa fun run'.

I will hopefully get to see some of this when I go down to Plymouth later this year to deliver the presents.

And if my mum wasn't excited enough about enjoying the delights of Gidleigh Park, our lunch destination today, she will be beside herself next Thursday when she and one of her widows' associations go to see John Barrowman at the Plymouth Pavilions. A full report to follow. Gird your loins.

Joan Collins back in style

I am amused to see that in the Yahoo UK search stats, Joan Collins is featuring in the top searches along with Leona Lewis (hit in face by nutter), David Beckham (going to AC Milan?) and Gail Hall. No, the latter was wishful thinking.

Anyway, back to the plot.

The only reason Joan can be in the top 10 is because of the programme she did this week on ITV1 where she descended on three unsuspecting Janners, as we would call them, in my ancestral home, Plymouth. Before she could say "Die-nasty," she had them out of their fleeces and into full slap and period costumes in an effort to restore Glamour to the UK's downtrodden women, who spend too much time emailing, texting and Internet surfing. Guilty of all three!

My mum, Giz, actually visited the same Sainsbury's just 10 minutes after Joan and her entourage had departed. It was a pity she didn't come face-to-face with Giz when she was searching the aisles for ladies of glamour. Not only is Giz the same age as Joan (76), but she always wears make-up and bright colours, and I don't think she owns a fleece.

The best moment for me was when Joan went to what looked like a bar to talk to young women who were supposedly dressed up. I imagine the nation united in guffaws and cries of "pots and kettles" as Joan, clad in leopardskin, that most tasteful of fabrics, questioned a young Janner on her navel jewellery. Joan's sense of style is somewhat questionable as you can see from the photo, where she has committed the cardinal sin of a white bra under a black dress.

Meanwhile the three bemused victims of the show scrubbed up very well and are no doubt being called "snooty" and "mutton" for wearing make-up and flowery scarves while walking the dog.