A Strictly Come Dancing travesty prepares to unfold

I have been very restrained up to now and not mentioned Strictly Come Dancing, or The Apprentice ("what's that?") once.

But now that the glitter has settled on SCD, and we know who's good and who we like and don't like, I couldn't resist adding my two'pennorth.

Strictly Come Dancing, for the benefit of my US chums, is the TV show that led to what you call "Dancing with the Stars." The UK version includes two of the judges who grace your show, Len and Bruno, plus we have the acerbic Craig Revel-Horwood - "in three words, my darling, OMG" - and the foolish former contestant and Muttley impersonator Alesha Dixon - "you was brilliant."

This year the BBC changed the rules and the public decides who goes out each week. You will remember that previously there was a dance-off between the bottom two, and then the judges decided. The hapless John Sergeant managed to survive for quite a while with the public keeping him safe, but eventually quit when he realised there was a chance he might end up in the final.

This year the judges have no decision-making power, and so I am convinced that Ann Widdecombe, the Tory MP, will make, and possibly win, the final.

I don't deny that it is very entertaining seeing the routine that Anton Du Beke creates each week. Highlights have included Ann being lowered to the floor in a harness like a gigantic flapping Dumbo, and on Saturday, in a memorable paso doble, being hurled to the floor and then bouncing  like a scene from The Dam Buster, followed by Anton swinging her around like a sack of potatoes (pictured.)

It is, as Len said on It Takes Two, rather like a motorway crash when you're on the other side of the road but you can't help looking.

I'm sure the BBC changed the rules to encourage more votes to make more money. Many people are obviously keen to keep Ann in, and unlike John Sergeant, she doesn't seem abashed about not being very good.

But we need to remind ourselves this is a dance competition, and there are contestants who are fabulously good, and amaze us with their stunning routines each week. I don't think it will be fair if Widdecombe wins at the expense of Scott Maslen, Jimi Mistry, Pamela Stephenson or Matt Baker, all outstanding in my view. And bravo to Pamela for showing that women over the age of 60 can still be vibrant, sexy and fabulous.

Alesha judged to be a bad move

I can't wait to hear the insights of the new judge on Strictly Come Dancing, the "washes and brushes" singer and one-time winner of SCD, Alesha Dixon.

Renowned choreographer and former dancer Arlene Phillips, whose ascerbic comments and ability to stand up to the other male judges were part of the show's success, has been elbowed aside to allow the show to appeal to a younger demographic.

Oh yes, the young people who no doubt sit around watching TV on Saturday evenings when by rights they should be out getting bladdered or watching the yoof channel, BBC 3.

I'd love to have been a fly on the wall when the other judges Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli and Craig Revel-Horwood were told that Ms Dixon was going to join them. If Len specialises in dance technicalities, Bruno in the overall performance and Craig in the choreography, what's left for Alesha? Dresses, served up with her trademark Muttley laugh.

If the BBC seriously thinks that Alesha is their weapon to win the ratings war against the latest old rubbish from Simon Cowell (Popstars the Rivals, Britain's got Talent, The X Factor - who knows, they all blur into one hackneyed formula), they're mistaken. Alesha may be cool but only among the under-7s. She doesn't cut it against Queen Wag Cheryl Cole, or even Dannii Minogue and her amazing frozen face.

If the BBC had really wanted to jazz up SCD they should have got rid of Bruce Forsyth. Yes I know, national treasure and all that; I am after all a member of the "Why the hell hasn't Bruce Forsyth got a knighthood" group on Facebook. I was always a great admirer of this all-round entertainer, and saw his one man show when I was just 15.

But enough's enough: he's way past the retirement age and every year his chants of "doddery I am not" get less convincing. A really sharp male presenter (and not the ghastly Vernon Kay either) would do far more for the ratings than Muttley Dixon and her brushes.