A Strictly Come Dancing travesty prepares to unfold

I have been very restrained up to now and not mentioned Strictly Come Dancing, or The Apprentice ("what's that?") once.

But now that the glitter has settled on SCD, and we know who's good and who we like and don't like, I couldn't resist adding my two'pennorth.

Strictly Come Dancing, for the benefit of my US chums, is the TV show that led to what you call "Dancing with the Stars." The UK version includes two of the judges who grace your show, Len and Bruno, plus we have the acerbic Craig Revel-Horwood - "in three words, my darling, OMG" - and the foolish former contestant and Muttley impersonator Alesha Dixon - "you was brilliant."

This year the BBC changed the rules and the public decides who goes out each week. You will remember that previously there was a dance-off between the bottom two, and then the judges decided. The hapless John Sergeant managed to survive for quite a while with the public keeping him safe, but eventually quit when he realised there was a chance he might end up in the final.

This year the judges have no decision-making power, and so I am convinced that Ann Widdecombe, the Tory MP, will make, and possibly win, the final.

I don't deny that it is very entertaining seeing the routine that Anton Du Beke creates each week. Highlights have included Ann being lowered to the floor in a harness like a gigantic flapping Dumbo, and on Saturday, in a memorable paso doble, being hurled to the floor and then bouncing  like a scene from The Dam Buster, followed by Anton swinging her around like a sack of potatoes (pictured.)

It is, as Len said on It Takes Two, rather like a motorway crash when you're on the other side of the road but you can't help looking.

I'm sure the BBC changed the rules to encourage more votes to make more money. Many people are obviously keen to keep Ann in, and unlike John Sergeant, she doesn't seem abashed about not being very good.

But we need to remind ourselves this is a dance competition, and there are contestants who are fabulously good, and amaze us with their stunning routines each week. I don't think it will be fair if Widdecombe wins at the expense of Scott Maslen, Jimi Mistry, Pamela Stephenson or Matt Baker, all outstanding in my view. And bravo to Pamela for showing that women over the age of 60 can still be vibrant, sexy and fabulous.

Told you so

If anyone is still watching Strictly Come Dancing, last night's semi-final was no surprise - I'd predicted that Chris Hollins and Ola Jordan (picture) would go through even though he was nowhere near as good as the other two semi-finalists.

If my mum's reaction was anything to go by, "travesty", "bloody public" etc, many people will think that Ali was robbed. How can someone who scored a perfect 50 be eliminated, they ask. Well, speaking as "The Public", and as someone who voted for Hollins (as did Anonymous), my reply is....

It's an entertainment show! And Hollins and Ola have been very entertaining. I didn't like him for weeks, but then in the torpor of the last few weeks I started to find him more endearing. No matter what they say, it's harder for a sports presenter to do well in a show like this than actors. Ali Bastian has had ballet training: it certainly shows. Not sure about Ricky Whittle, but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't have dance training at stage school.

So I am unapologetic about putting Hollins through and look forward to his entertaining lindy hop and show dance in the final.

Let's hope that next year's series brings a more illustrious list of celebrities and some higher scores (hardly any perfect scores this year.) The Alesha v Arlene debate has been done to death but I have to say that Alesha has brought very little to the judging with her appalling English - "you was wicked" and has entirely eclipsed by the wonderful Darcey Bussell in the past couple of weeks.

BBC should swallow its pride and reinstate Arlene

Now I am a great believer in moving on once a decision has been made. At work we call it "disagree and commit". But not so with the Strictly Come Dancing judging fiasco. I had sore misgivings about Alesha Dixon replacing Arlene Phillips on Strictly Come Dancing, and it turns out Alesha was even worse than I expected.

Today the papers report on uproar in the chat rooms as SCD fans call for the removal of Alesha.

And what does the BBC say? The pompous Tristrams say that web bulletins are not indicative of public opinion, and they have no plans to replace Alesha with Arlene.

Well, why not? It would be a terrific PR coup if they did. It would show the BBC listens to its licence payers, and that it acknowledges that Muttley (sorry, Alesha) is not bringing anything to the judging. And reinstating Arlene would show the BBC isn't ageist, as it keeps saying.

Louis Walsh was reinstated on the X Factor when no-one was that bothered he had gone. And Kelly Brook, who is very similar to Alesha in that she looks great but is an empty vessel, was dismissed from Britain's Got Talent after a couple of hours when the producers realised she couldn't cut it.

If the BBC doesn't get rid of Alesha, perhaps someone could start feeding her witty one-liners via an ear piece so that we don't have to keep hearing her repeating herself?

No advantage for Hengis

Tennis player Martina Hengis was the first to be evicted from last night's Strictly Come Dancing.

The first couple of shows are a voyage of discovery to see who shows promise and who will continue in the hallowed footsteps of Quentin Wilson and John Sergeant.

Hengis wasn't the worse by any means but I expected an early exit because she has no collateral with the British public (there was a small matter of no charisma either.)

Ricky Groves from EastEnders is looking very promising as a) it seems like he is genuinely acting on EE and not a complete buffoon at all times, and b) cheekie chappie appeal. His second dance was a complete joy as he won the audience and threw himself into it with the most amazing gurning and goldfish impressions.

Joe Cazalghe is a likely contender for the Quentin Wilson Award. He was highly fancied by the bookies before it all began but it seems not all boxers are as light on their toes as Muhammad Ali was.

Of the women, Lynda Bellingham struggled gamely with the "token old bird" responsibility and some great corsetry. But I fear a fairly early exit.

The dancers showing the most promise so far are Ali Bastian (from The Bill apparently) and Chris Hollins from BBC Breakfast News - although I am exercising caution on him because he could be a flash in the pan.
Alesha Dixon, as expected, brought nothing to the judging panel which seemed unbalanced without Arlene's stern jurisdiction. Len keeps glaring at the others as if he's the only one who knows what he's talking about. In the case of Alesha that's right. All she could say really was "you were very nervous, you did well for the first time. It's very tough having two dances in the first week". Which she did. Ad nauseum. And there were a couple of Muttley sniggers.

Next week we see the other 8 entrants and I hear that Phil Tufnell is another John Sergeant, but we'll see. Looking forward to seeing Natalie Cassidy and expecting Jo Wood to get the boot.

Alesha judged to be a bad move

I can't wait to hear the insights of the new judge on Strictly Come Dancing, the "washes and brushes" singer and one-time winner of SCD, Alesha Dixon.

Renowned choreographer and former dancer Arlene Phillips, whose ascerbic comments and ability to stand up to the other male judges were part of the show's success, has been elbowed aside to allow the show to appeal to a younger demographic.

Oh yes, the young people who no doubt sit around watching TV on Saturday evenings when by rights they should be out getting bladdered or watching the yoof channel, BBC 3.

I'd love to have been a fly on the wall when the other judges Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli and Craig Revel-Horwood were told that Ms Dixon was going to join them. If Len specialises in dance technicalities, Bruno in the overall performance and Craig in the choreography, what's left for Alesha? Dresses, served up with her trademark Muttley laugh.

If the BBC seriously thinks that Alesha is their weapon to win the ratings war against the latest old rubbish from Simon Cowell (Popstars the Rivals, Britain's got Talent, The X Factor - who knows, they all blur into one hackneyed formula), they're mistaken. Alesha may be cool but only among the under-7s. She doesn't cut it against Queen Wag Cheryl Cole, or even Dannii Minogue and her amazing frozen face.

If the BBC had really wanted to jazz up SCD they should have got rid of Bruce Forsyth. Yes I know, national treasure and all that; I am after all a member of the "Why the hell hasn't Bruce Forsyth got a knighthood" group on Facebook. I was always a great admirer of this all-round entertainer, and saw his one man show when I was just 15.

But enough's enough: he's way past the retirement age and every year his chants of "doddery I am not" get less convincing. A really sharp male presenter (and not the ghastly Vernon Kay either) would do far more for the ratings than Muttley Dixon and her brushes.

Strictly tip: the boys in the final two

Off you go to the bookmakers - I'm willing to pledge my reputation on the assertion that Tom and Austin will end up as the two finalists!

The reason is: they haven't been in the dance-off. Clearly people are voting for them in droves. And public support seems a bit thin and patchy for Lisa and Rachel. It's often tough for women because of the voting demographic. Some of the previous winners managed to overcome this --- Natasha Kemplinsky (although in the final she was competing against that guy from EastEnders who made John Sergeant look like Mark Ramprakash), Jill Halfpenny and Alesha Dixon had more consistent support throughout the series.

I reckon this coming weekend we will see Lisa and Rachel go head-to-head in the dance off, and the judges will probably save Rachel. She is the best dancer of the four I believe - I would imagine her overall scores verify this. Lisa will do a stellar waltz, I predict, but she may struggle with the jive.

Meanwhile I am with Lucy (previous post's comments) about this series. It hasn't quite delivered in the way that previous series did. Maybe we're getting a bit jaded. The Sergeant Saga spiced things up for a while but quickly got boring. One of the panellists on Claudia's show last night summed it up perfectly. The girls are too earnest. They, and we, know that the vehicle is essential for the continuation of their careers. It's all life and death. Lisa has a frantic smile pasted on her face at all times, and Rachel looks like she's going to snap and burst into tears at any moment. Lighten up ladies and perhaps one of you could make it into the semis. It would be a miss if you didn't.

Go Alesha!

After a long drawn out final which frankly became a bit tedious, the right finalist won and Alesha claimed the glitterball in the Strictly Come Dancing final.

In fact the most dramatic event of the evening was the announcement, because her head was drooping as if she was already defeated whereas Matt was beaming broadly as if he had already won.

The promised fare of five dances including a show dance was a little disappointing because in reality it was only two new dances - one to the judge's choice of music and the other the show dance. What with that, and the endless reminders of their "journeys," and the whole thing was in danger of being rescued only by Bruce's singing and the Spice Girls (and didn't Geri used to get a turn at singing too? Is that her punishment?).

I am so tired of hearing about the celebrities' journeys. It's not as if they're St Paul on the Damascus road. For Matt, Kelly and others, it was simply putting into practice what they were taught at Sylvia Young's. No matter how much they protest otherwise, dancing is part of the curriculum. But still they squirm around and pretend it's all new to them.

Alesha was good right from the start and hardly had a wobble throughout the competition. It was difficult to see how she had any sort of "journey" because she didn't need to improve, except for the judges' nit picking about foot positions. Matt did show massive improvement, but it was more a case of applying himself and concentrating because he always did have the talent but probably couldn't be arsed most of the time. I was very relieved when Alesha won because I feared the gurning kid would score votes big-time from all the EastEnders fans and teenage girls.

I don't know when they record the Christmas Day special, when Alesha and Matt take on previous winners. I doubt if it's being recorded after last night, so it can't be seen as Matt's opportunity for retribution. I didn't think I would hear myself say this, but I'll be glad that SCD has finished. Too drawn out and over hyped!

Thoughts on the Strictly final

After a thriller of a semi-final, Alesha and surprisingly Matt go through to the final next Saturday. Presumably the public will decide who wins. I can't see how the judges could overrule when The Public is already being urged to phone. On that basis, I am sad to say that Matt di Angelo will probably win. As I've said before, the voting demographic (teenage girls, middle-aged women) is more likely to vote for a 20 year old male than Alesha, who hasn't had so much of a "journey" on the show because she danced well from the start.

I'm disappointed that Gethin didn't get through to the final, mainly for Camilla's sake. She looked stricken even before the dance off, because unless Matt forgot his steps in a repeat of last week's performance, his 40 out of 40 score was going to be impossible to beat.

But credit to the kid, as we call him, in that he showed enough strength of character to bounce back after last week's hideous performance.

I'm actually more excited about the other SCD show that's on during the Christmas period - the one where past winners Mark Ramprakash and Darren Gough take on this year's finalists. The actual final, to me, is too much of a foregone conclusion now.

Meanwhile, I spotted an ad in the Radio Times for an SCD tour in Jan and Feb where past contestants including Zoe Ball, Darren Gough, James Martin and Letitita Dean compete in front of the judges and the audience decides who wins. Fab!! I will be assembling a small posse to attend!

Matt to go

Bit of a trauma before SCD this evening: we'd had a power failure for a few minutes and the Sky Plus box promptly threw one of its tantrums and could not be diverted from tirelessly downloading software. This was only supposed to take 10 minutes but it was still going strong an hour later.

This meant that the usual frenzy of preparation prior to sitting down to watch SCD had to be put on ice (preparing my pitta bread, toasting J's roll, getting the drinks ready, sorting out the jacket potatoes for dinner) because it usually relies on pausing the programme. And without the Sky Plus, this was not possible!!

So it was a good thing I had Gethin and Camilla's gentle Smooth to calm me down as I started fretting that I would also miss the boxing later (even if it does cost £14.95to watch!).

Their Smooth was heavenly with Gethin finally laying to rest the old Geth, and allowing the new Gethin to bloom.

Letitia was fully recovered after last week and looked fabulous. Her dress for the waltz was sensational with a see-through corset bodice. The hooters were shown to best effect. I thought the judges were a bit harsh with her jive. I really didn't think it was that bad.

Alesha's Viennese waltz was beautiful and I didn't once think it was just another boring waltz. But her paso doble was a little disappointing. As the judges said, there wasn't enough stamping and haughtiness, although Matthew was certainly stamping and flaring his nostrils in a very fetching way.

Then there was Matt. Poor boy. During ITT this week, he said he was worried about tonight's two dances because he couldn't remember the steps. I don't think he was making it up either. He seemed to freeze and lose his way at exactly the same point in both the dances.

I think it will go without saying that he and Letitia will be in the dance-off tomorrow night. Unless Matt dramatically improves, Letitita will sail through to the semi-final. Fully deserved in my view.

You'll be glad to know the Sky Plus box has now recovered: John said mysteriously he had tricked it into working again, but who knows how men's minds work when they're fiddling with gadgets. So the boxing is back on again, yay!

Kate gets the long awaited boot

My SCD predictions were all wrong again, but who cares? Kate Garraway finally got the boot. Thank God! It had become embarrassing, the spectacle of brave Anton heaving her round the dance floor every week; her studied lip biting as the judges delivered their repetitive criticism and the flagrant begging for votes.

Even my normally mild-mannered partner had tired of Kate and was quite vocal last night bellowing "get that woman OUT!" in the manner of my mum watching an international rugby match (although "go on my son" is her usual refrain).

Let's hope we get rid of Desperate Dan next week (Kenny) as he's equally as bad, lurching and posturing, and Ola looks increasingly like a pug.

What of the rest? Well, as expected, Kelly's jive was very good, though I had to suppress a smirk that it wasn't quite as good as Jill Halfpenny's and Kelly had wanted to do the best jive.

There's something not very endearing about Kelly. The ingenue act of giggling and the faked surprise when she gets through is very transparent, as she's never been a great actress. Underneath all that is a steel will and determination to win at all costs. This seems to mean increasing amounts of embonpoint and leg, so my prediction is that by the final she will be wearing next to nothing (like the champion Latin American female dancer from last night).

For me the best dance was Alesha and Matthew's waltz, which was dreamy and romantic, everything a waltz should be. Normally the waltz seems to be a pedestrian spin round the floor with a few token heel turns (get me!). I also liked Gethin and Camilla's rumba. I thought the judges were a bit hard on Gethin. He did come across as quite romantic and passionate, which was hard for him. I noticed the judges didn't even mention him when they were talking about those likely to be in the last three, yet last week they were eulogising about him.

Letitia was good, not marvellous, and her dress was much improved - although they need to work a bit harder to find her waist. I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

John Barnes was boring, and a likely candidate for the chop next week as he seems less popular with the public than "Mr Scotland" Kenny. Fortunately for Barnsey, he's a judges' favourite. It seems more obvious this year which are their favourites.

Finally, on an aside: I'm astonished at how the merchandising opportunity has not been grasped. If you do a Google search for ballroom dancing / SCD, you don't get very much beyond the official book I had last year. Where are the dvds, the franchised classes, the costumes, the frank autobiographies? (The Nicole and Matthew Cutler story seems fascinating!). And here's an idea for the BBC: a wonderful Christmas special by having well-known singers perform with the professional dancers interpreting the song, as they do in the results show each week.

Don't vote to vote in the little poll, possums, and how about some comments? Let's liven things up in here!

It's back! Strictly Come Dancing!

The return of Strictly Come Dancing is one of the few reasons to feel good about autumn. My spirits soared as the familiar music rang out on Saturday, even though it was only a preview show. It's just fabulous. I love it!

Without having seen one step yet from the eager new intake of celebrities, I'm willing to take a gamble and give you my tips for the top. The horses I'm backing, if you will permit me to mix my metaphors, are: Brian Capron, Alesha Dixon, Penny Lancaster and Matt Di Angelo.

Capron is a more mature participant, but he looks in good shape, he's an actor and actors/actresses traditionally do well, and I can imagine he's going to be quite light on his feet.

Alesha Dixon danced a bit with Misteeq and she looks very energetic and bendy.

Penny Lancaster has been photographed dancing and showing off her endless legs in many tabloid pictures, and she will look stunning with the tall fair haired Ian Waite, so I think she'll go far provided she's got a bit of a competitive streak. I fear she may be too nice.

Matt Di Angelo seems very confident and I'm backing him for no other reason than that!

I personally think (and I may of course be proved wrong) that "Hollywood actress" Kelly Brook will be wooden in the vein of Carol Vordermann, and an early casualty.(Hollywood actress? She's appeared in a few flops, mostly with Billy Zane, that went straight to DVD).

Kate Garraway will probably be better than poor old Fiona, and I hope she does well because Anton Du Beke is so lovely and he's never won SCD.

I'm stifling a yawn over the prospect of the double husband and wife pairings of Kenny Logan and Ola Jordan, and Gaby Logan and James Jordan. The sports people are always a turn-off for me in SCD because they're so damned competitive.

As to my prediction of who will get knocked out first: I would say either Willie Thorne or John Barnes.

Oh - and I couldn't resist taking a peek at the new series of Dancing with the Stars, the US version of SCD, on, of all channels, UK Gold. It must surely be the only "new" programme they have, and sits uneasily amongst endless re-runs of Only Fools and Horses and Fawlty Towers.

I wanted to see Mel B from the Spice Girls and Jane Seymour, two English roses. Oh, and Marie Osmond.

Mel and Jane both performed superbly, a credit to the UK, and both looked amazing. Mel, you go girl - I hope Eddie Murphy and his latest fiancee were gutted to see you on such sparkling form. And Jane Seymour, at 56 - how does she do it? (Yes I know, Botox and fillers probably, but she still has the figure of a woman in her 20s and that's very hard to get, even with surgery). Marie Osmond was OK. She's a good example of how botox and fillers can make you look a bit odd (Kylie is fast heading in that direction: Danii went down that road a long while ago).

Check back for regular updates!!