Eurovision Yawn

I used to love the Eurovision song contest. There would be great excitement around the choosing of the UK song, the semi-finals and then the big event itself.

This year: nul points. Zippo. Nada.

I tried to revive my interest with Justin Lee-Collins' quest to find a country that would let him sing. And my brother keeps trying to entice me into watching a semi by telling me it's the same as it used to be.

But I lost interest two years ago when Terry Wogan did, when the voting had got completely out of hand and UK, along with the other countries who fund it, were always going to be bottom.

So on Saturday I'm going to be watching Avatar.

But good luck to the UK entry, Josh Dubovie, pictured, singing a commercial little ditty written by Pete Waterman. Poor kid needs the luck: he is 200 to 1 in the bookies' odds, which may well see Royaume Unis getting nil points again.

TOGS get a life : hurrah for Chris Evans!

A lot of coverage in the papers today about Chris Evans taking over from Sir Terry Wogan in the New Year to present the breakfast show on Radio 2. With eight million listeners, it's the most popular radio show on the island.

Most of the coverage centred on the negative reaction of the "TOGs" which I thought stood for "Terry's Old Gits" but actually it means "Terry's Old Geezers or Old Gals". These are his doughty listeners, mostly of a certain age and in Tunbridge Wells. Ms Esther Rantzen for example, former TV presenter and would-be MP, was quoted as saying that the TOGS need a gentle start to the day and nothing raucous from Chris Evans. Someone else said "spiteful".

Get a grip for goodness' sake!

Those who whine on about Chris being sacked from Radio 1 for being unreliable need to remember that was about nine years ago. He's a changed man since he remarried and had a baby son he dotes on.

I love his drive time show; he really makes me laugh and he is NEVER spiteful or raucous, except when he occasionally sings along to that Elvis song. When you're nose-to-tail on the M25 you need cheering up, and I can always rely on Chris and his team for that.

When he interviews people - and he has the most marvellously funny experts on, like the recorder lady I wrote about, or the recent lady who specialises in moths - he always sounds really interested, not just reading the questions a researcher has given him. The other day, when he was tasting Gentlemen's Relish (which I've always wanted to try), I went mad with frustration when my car went down the Holmesdale Tunnel and I missed his verdict.

I turn off the radio in the morning when Terry comes on. And so does Anonymous. Sir Terry used to be OK but I get bored now with the cosy chat and strange records. Besides, the Radio 2 demographic is me, without putting too fine a point on it. The more mature listener gets the 7pm slot and that awful Elaine Paige show on Sundays.

I'm looking forward to some lively company in the New Year...and while we're at it, how about pensioning off Sarah Kennedy too? I used to enjoy her show but she dominates it with her occasionally strange views. I'd like Simon Mayo to replace Chris; I love the way he engages with the listener using Twitter. To which the TOGs would say, "what's Twitter?" and I think that sums it up.

Gird your loins - it's nearly here!!

The Eurovision Song Contest, live from Belgrade, Serbia, May 24

There's no middle ground as far as the Eurovision is concerned. You either love it or you hate it. Those who hate it look at you as if you're mad. Lighten up, I cry: it's a bit of a laugh! It's irony incarnate. It's kitsch. It's the only thing that unites everyone in Europe (and a few others like Israel).

So what's in store on May 24? And before that, in the two semi-finals? (April 20 and 22).

Well, UK doesn't have to compete in the semi-finals. Thank goodness! Because we'd never make it to the final. Along with Germany, France and Spain we fund it so we get a wild card or a free bus pass or whatever you like to call it.

What I don't understand is why we (the UK) are not allowed to vote in the first semi-final. I had already promised Kurt I would cast a solitary vote for Belgium, and then what happens? Belgium are in the first semi. I can't believe it's because Ireland are in the first semi. I mean, come on!! They never give us all their points and we only give them a few. It's not like the Swedes giving the Danes 12 every time, or Georgia giving Russia 12, or Croatia giving Serbia (need I go on about the nuances of the voting system?). We and the Irish have a bit of dignity and pride!

Anyway, down to the matter of form. This year it's all about the novelty act. There are several! Ireland has Dustin the turkey, a puppet singing "Irelande douze pointe". Clearly the Irish invested a lot in the lyrics. We're talking Lennon McCartney in their prime:
Hello Abba, hello Bono, hello Helsinki,
Hola Prague, hello sailor, c’est la vie,
Auf wiedersehen, mamma mia and God save the Queen
G’day Austria, bonjour Serbia, you know what I mean

Other novelty acts include Latvia with Pirates of the Sea singing Wolves of the Sea (I think there may be a theme going on here), and Croatia, fielding an elderly gentleman doing some rapping.

As for "Royaume Uni" (that's us), we have no chance whatsoever. We never do these days, with the Baltic bloc vote, but the trouble is this year we have a fairly decent song and a fairly decent singer, but it's all a bit...well, fairly decent and average. Not a nil pointe but it won't be giving Terry Wogan palpitations either.

The official Eurovision site, by the way, is worth checking out...not only can you see each participant and hear their song, you can see the lyrics too!

Stay tooned to this blog - there's more to come I'm afraid.

Reverse Flotsam

More flotsam, today on a different journey: Plymouth to Swindon, having stayed with the old girl this weekend and taken Monday off. (For those of you who like traffic data: it took 2 hrs 45, no major incidents to report).

I didn't see any Baileys Horse Feeds lorries or indeed Wilkinson lorries, which I will now look out for. I like to spy Norbert Dentressangle too because I think it's just a superb name, like Perkins Lascelles in Plymouth. I thought that this opticians' business was run by a Mr Perkins Lascelles but it turns out to be two gentlemen. I collect great names: I am liking Benedict Cumberbatch too.

Anyway - to the matter in hand - Eurovision. I could not believe it when the foolish, feckless public voted for Wogan's wild card. I have sore misgivings, that's all I can say.

I can't even remember what he's called, but it's some bloke who was in The X Factor and he looks like someone's dad. I was convinced Michelle Gayle would win with her fine rendition of something that looked like The Goodies' Funky Chicken and had lyrics along the lines of "you make me oooh." Perfect Eurovision fodder. Now we've got someone's dad singing a proper song with a decent voice, and we have NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER, unless Eastern Europe decides that it's fed up with novelty numbers, singing turkies and so on, and wants a sensible ballad sung by someone's dad.

The spectre of "Nil Points" beckons.

While I'm here, I thought I would mention our superb Mother's Day lunch at the Corbyn Head Hotel in Torquay. It was top notch: perfect succulent rare beef for me (well done for the old girl), preceded by chicken liver pate and followed by a substantial bread and butter pudding. And Giz got a bunch of flowers on top of a free glass of sparkling white, so she was In Clover.

Europe has nothing to fear from UK Eurovision entry (again)

Last night the nation decided. The UK entry in the Eurovision Song Contest in May is a group called Scooch, with Bucks-Fizz style formulaeic cutesy song.

I've often thought that the BBC isn't serious about winning because we always have such turgid entries, and of course winning it would result in huge expense. But this year, they clearly put some effort into it. All of the songs, with the exception of a dreary ballad from Brian Harvey, were very good. I liked the montage of clips from other countries who have already picked their entrants. And I liked the guest panel from across Europe voted. Unfortunately, the British public didn't back the horse the panel suggested (Big Bruvaz, the rap number). I didn't like it the most, but I reckon it had the biggest chance of Eurovision success.

When I first saw Scooch I knew right away they would win. Classic Buck's Fizz style cheese, where you take a group of averagely attractive people and give them cutesy outfits, cutesy dance moves (aeroplanes) and a few lines heavy with suggestion ("salted nuts sir?").

Win it did, but by the third airing, my brother and I were both groaning and saying we wouldn't want to hear it again. It's beyond irritating.

The only black spot of the night was Terry Wogan, normally the lynchpin of Eurovision, but now so curmudgeonly that it didn't seem he was being amusingly ironic. It seemed like he really does hate it all. Time to pension him off and bring in Jonathan Ross.