Celebrities and dirty laundry on Twitter: why?

My mum asked a question that stumped me. I was telling her about the spat that Christine Bleakley had with her footballer fiance's ex fiancee, and she said: "why do celebrities divulge so much in public on Twitter?"

Why indeed?

It may only have been a half-hearted argument, but Bleakley's response spoke volumes about how she and smug Frank Lampard regard Elen Rivas, the mother of his two daughters.

Apparently Elen had tweeted about her frustration when, on holiday in India over Christmas, she rang the Lampard abode to speak to her daughters, Frank and Christine having custody of them for the holiday period.

When she couldn't speak to them she then vented her frustration on Twitter, saying she would have expected "the girlfriend" to be a bit more understanding.

"The girlfriend" - former golden girl TV presenter Bleakley, who was recently sacked from Daybreak, responded with the ultimate in sanctimonious tweets - something about not debating in public "where children are involved."

But she then preceded to retweet several supportive and aghast messages from her friends. One of them said "is she up to her old tricks?" which suggested that Elen's behaviour has been a topic for discussion for Bleakley and her pals.

It the transpired, from the Bleakley camp, that Elen had rung in the middle of the night UK-time. The inference was she was too stupid to realise. Well, we can't all be members of Mensa  (smug Frank, the oxymoron "brainy footballer").

I personally felt myself sympathising for Elen. Not only did she have a lonely Christmas without her kids., she had to put up with retweets from the Bleakley Supporters' Club when a bit of dignity (or silence) might have been better.

Another grieving ex on holiday alone over Christmas was Demi Moore. Her marriage, and its demise, was lived on Twitter. The end of the Russell Brand / Katy Perry marriage was also played out on Twitter for our delectation.

I do wonder why. Aren't the paraparazzi and the hacked phones enough to keep a celebrity in the public eye, without having to wash their own dirty linen?

All I expect from a celebrity on Twitter are slices of wit or insight. Not boring tweets about the mundanities of life  (we do that ourselves) and not undignified rants or fallings out.

Some flotsam and jetsam

Hoorah for Princess Beatrice!
Showing the judgment and humour that has sadly eluded her parents all their life, Princess Beatrice has sold her much maligned RW hat on eBay, to raise money for charity. Could it be that Beatrice is going to show common sense and realism, in spite of her parents? Only a few days ago, Sarah, Duchess of York, was still spouting incomprehensible psycho-babble. "If I had a brand identity, it would be as a global mother." ??? Beatrice said she hoped whoever bought the hat would have as much fun with it as she had.

And hoorah for Twitter while we're about it
So many amusing tweets about the Premiership footballer and his affair with a Big Brother wannabe. There was talk that Ryan Giggs' solicitors were going to sue the 30,000 people on Twitter who had breached the Super Injunction (yep, that includes me). Another wag wrote that Ryan Giggs appears to be the only celebrity not being sued by the "mystery Premiership footballer".

I can't imagine the US owners of Twitter are quaking in their boots knowing that a few plummy English lawyers are apoplectic about their new cash cow, the Super Injunction, being proved worthless.  What can they actually do? They can hardly force the closure of Twitter. I for one am laughing at the way we, the good old British public, is having a laugh at the foibles of a foolish man who tried to cover up his folly by splashing the cash.

The unpredictable nature of cosmetic surgery
No wonder Sarah Jessica Parker has said she won't have cosmetic surgery because she doesn't want to end up looking mad. This week's photos of Marie Helvin, who has always maintained she's had nothing done (yeah, right) show her starting to look somewhat deranged. You'd think that with access to the best plastic surgeons that California has to offer, some of the maturing filmstars wouldn't look quite so dreadful. Faye Dunaway, for example, or Melanie Griffith  (although thankfully she is a little more restrained these days). It seems a bit of a lottery. You can either look wonderful, like Jane Fonda, Sharon Stone or Demi Moore, or rather weird, like Madonna, Cher, the Bride of Wildenstein and Ivana Trump. It's a pity they don't have a ratings system, like guest houses or Trip Advisor. Maybe that's a great idea for a new website.

Twittering Inanities

One of the attractions of Twitter was its sprinkling of celebrities, many with thousands of followers. Thrill to the antics of Demi Moore and Ashton Kuchter! Hear the inner thoughts of Russell Brand, Stephen Fry and Lily Allen! Enjoy nuggets of business intelligence from Duncan Bannatyne, Peter Jones and Lord Sugar!

But what Twitter teaches us is the utter banality of the written word. Very few have mastered the succinct soundbite demanded by the word restrictions.

Last night four harpies of the medium, Times' writers India Knight and Caitlin Moran, Channel 4 presenter and posh bird Kirstie Allsopp and Grazia's editor Jane Bruton, were all watching the Labour leadership candidates on Question Time and furiously tweeting to each other.

Were we supposed to kill ourselves laughing at their wit and rapartee, and thank our lucky stars that these doyennes of writing and broadcasting were sprinkling their gems among we plebs?

I merely thought that the four of them should retire to private instant messaging, but I doubt if their egos would allow that.

Duncan Bannatyne, meanwhile, gives us blow-by-blow accounts of the Amazon book charts, to remind us that he has a book out; occasionally tells us what the weather is like where his holiday home is and sometimes has a go at fellow Dragon James Caan.

Lord Sugar only started a month ago but is already lost in the celebrity egotism of Twitter, exhorting ever more people to follow him so he can reach thirty thousand.

Here are his most recent tweets:

I will be doing a live Q & A on Twitter for the Mirror serialisation on Monday at 6 pm


And:

From Monday, it all kicks off with my book. Buy the Mirror next week for exclusive serialisation (book out on 30th)
 
I think that says it all.
 
Many tweets are from people promoting something. Websites, blogs, books, links, forthcoming appearances. Most of it is drivel about what people are doing. And then a tiny, tiny percentage are witty and make you laugh out loud. Precious few of those are from celebrities, it has to be said.  The only celebs I'm following who can truly use the medium properly are Richard Madeley (@richardm56) and Graham Linehan (Father Ted writer), @glinner. They're there frequently, unlike some celebs who only post occasionally to remind us they're alive, and they give us provoking thoughts, trivia, amusement.