Random thoughts: Kelly Brook, Madonna, The Restaurant

Yesterday: Chingford to Swindon and return, total 5 hours. Dentressangle:0, Bailey's equine horse feeds 0, Wilkinson's, 0 (maybe I wasn't looking hard enough).



Random thoughts a-plenty.

Kelly Brook was on one of the news bulletins having opened in her first west end play, Fat Pig. Now Kelly is a ravishing girl, invariably referred to as "curvy Kelly" in the magazines. But she always strikes me as a girl in search of a talent. Goodness knows she tries hard enough. There's been TV presenting, but she only ever comes across as wooden. I caught a glimpse of her in "Dirty Dancing - Time of their Lives" the other day and was appalled when she referred to two candidates as "them two." Whaaaat!

I saw her in a film where she was some Italian countess or some old nonsense, and again, she gave Westonbirt Arboretum a run for its money.

I haven't seen any reviews of her new role yet but seeing as she wears a bikini on stage, I doubt if her acting ability will matter very much.

She has an old-style glamour about her, reminscent of Sophia Loren, but as soon as she opens her mouth it all goes wrong. She has one of those ordinary twittery little girl voices and keeps saying "and um," and giggling. If I was you Kelly, I would have some voice coaching. And keep up with the acting lessons.

Dear Madonna
I'm sure you're pretty fed up with Guy but it would be nice for Lourdes and the gang if you and he didn't have an acrimonious public divorce. I see that you have both hired top-flight "name" divorce lawyers. I see that you're both saying you want a civilised divorce and yet you're both deploying the unsavoury tactic of getting friends and insiders to do your carping in the press. I know you savour control, Madonna, but try to be big about this. If Guy's "insiders" spill the beans, you don't have to respond. Be dignified. For all our sakes.

I very much enjoyed BBC2's The Restaurant last year and was enthusiastic when the new series started recently. But it should really have been a one-off. Monsieur Blanc is too big for his boots this year. He's choosing candidates purely on whether or not they will dance to his tune and nothing to do with their business capabilities. What put the tin hat on it for me was last week's dismissal of Helen and Stephen. Their marketing concept was the best. I could see that "Conquering Cabbage" would be a PR winner in these times of obese children and too much fast food. Maybe the execution was flawed. But it was far superior to the bland, minimalist book put together by those useless boys James and Alasdair.

Because James was a chef and can clearly cook, and is also suitably subservient, Blanc has kept him in the contest, even though he and his business partner Alasdair have been completely clueless in all respects.

Helen on the other hand, while only an average cook, showed that her food for families concept works. Her restaurant was always packed. But because she's too "controlling," as Raymond sneered, she was booted out. Yet in the previous week, she rose to the challenge of cooking for a private dinner party and did very well, whereas James and Alasdair left everything to the last minute and only narrowly averted disaster. I've lost a lot of interest - and respect - for the show now.

Strictly Come Dancing preview: Foster and Small tipped for dance-off

I haven't seen many of the It Takes Two show this week to give you a detailed assessment of "the form" for tonight's much trumpeted boys v girls show. Presenters and judges are trying to whip up a frenzy of anticipation and excitement, but until recent years when they recruited too many celebrities, we saw boys v girls from the start.

It was interesting to see that on the overall leader board, Cherie is top followed by Austin, Tom and then Rachel.

My friend Anonymous is predicting that Tom will be the outright winner. I think he will soon overtake Austin, whose muscly arms will start to hold him back. Rachel will go far but she's not very likeable, at least not to me or A.

It's fascinating to see the personalities develop as the weeks unfold so that characters like Jodie start to become real and the public start to vote for her; whereas the star of others crashes and burns, like Jessie, who I thought would stay in for a while with public support.

I think the days of swimmer Mark Foster are numbered. He looks great but he's too tall and too self-conscious. He's had an acting lesson this week with the ever present John Barrowman but I'm predicting he will be in the dance-off, along with Heather Small. Heather didn't like being in the dance-off last week and could be seen visibly pouting and fuming. She went back to training with low confidence and I think she's got a bit fed up with it all.

I expect John Sergeant will also be at the bottom but Sarah Kennedy's radio campaign to keep the old stager in means he'll be around for a few weeks to come, like a twinkling little extra from Snow White & the Seven height challenged assistants.

Completed: the world's top 10 marathons

Not by me, I hasten to add, although I was present at each and every one.
No, the achievement was by my partner J, who on Sunday completed his 18th marathon in Chicago, and the last one on his list of the world's top 10.

Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Stockholm, London, Honolulu, Berlin, Paris, Boston, New York, Chicago.

On the way he scored a personal best in his 17th marathon, joined the local running club, the Orion Harriers, which improved his confidence and ability no end, and amassed a huge selection of marathon merchandise in the form of t-shirts and fleeces.
John's own visual account is here.

I secured a fancy digital camera in the process because he couldn't stand the useless photos I was taking, which I indignantly blamed on my apparatus. I took the three photos in this post, but sadly only one decent photo of John actually running in Chicago!

Chicago was very hot and not at all windy. On marathon day, the alert changed during the course of the race from amber to red, an indication of the gruelling weather conditions. J was on course for a PB but sensibly slowed down in the last hour and still finished only 15 minutes slower than his target time.

I think I was more worn out than he was, trudging across the city by public transport with my balloon and cow bell. I managed to see him three times during the race but only one photo was any good (despite the fancy camera!).It's hard work being a spectator as you have to be careful with the fluids (few and far between "facilities") and it's very tiring craning your neck to see your loved one among thousands of runners.

We were in Chicago for a few days and did some of the tourist activities: boat trip, open top bus tour, visit to Navy Pier. Navy Pier was notable mainly for a very fine stained glass museum.

The hotel we stayed in, the Palmer House Hilton, was in its own words somewhat over-the-top with painted ceilings similar to the Venetian in Las Vegas and elements of baroque and art deco confusingly combined. Like most US hotels it was too dark and gloomy for my taste.

I've never been too keen on the skyscraper kind of architecture, but the enthusiasm of the tour guides for what Chicago had to offer was infectious and I found myself admiring the Wrigley building, the interestingly shaped Prudential extension and the blunt and assertive Sears and Hancock towers.

Back in London today I mused on the fact that most of our great buildings are very old: the Tower of London, Houses of Parliament, St Paul's Cathedral. Our modern architecture is poor. We have dozens of ugly cement low-rise blocks but the Swiss RE Tower is the only masterpiece among lacklustre "skyscrapers." I'm with Prince Charles on the quality of London's modern architecture, in the main. Carbuncles. Yet Chicago shows what can be achieved.

Relief of the Fleece

The postman delivered two identical parcels this week, one for me and one for my partner. As I felt the large soft package, I beamed with relief. The loser's fleece! J applies for the London Marathon ballot every year and it's in early October that you either get the "congratulations you have secured a place" letter, or what we call the loser's fleece.

In a moment of madness back in April, I actually applied for the ballot as well, although my running is very sporadic. I am not a gifted runner and have been told I have a peculiar gait, which doesn't inspire me to be the next Paula Radcliffe although I quite like buying the latest running gear.

Anyway, I know the form by now, so I was pretty relieved when I received the loser's fleece. Phew. I rang J and said "we're both losers," to which he said "oh no, not the fleece." He then tried it on when he got home and declared it a great asset to his wardrobe.

He will still probably be able to run in the London marathon next year as a member of a running club. He's spent countless hours on marshalling duty at races and taking and uploading photos. Next weekend we will both be in Chicago where he will run his 18th marathon, and the last in the world's top 10 that he hasn't done. Honolulu, London, Berlin, Paris, Rotterdam, Amsterdam, Stockholm, Boston, Chicago, New York. It's been quite an oddyssey.

Strictly Come Dancing preview

This week the guys have to do a jive or a tango. I haven't seen all of the Claudia programmes this week but from what I have seen, Gary Rhodes is endeavouring to come across more humble, to try to win more votes, and both he and Andrew Castle have been having trouble with the jive. I think Castle is quite a poor dancer really but somehow he blundered through episode 1 without appearing as if he had two left feet.

Don Warrington's acting skills look as if we're in for a treat of a tango, while Austin Healey seems to have perfected a superb jive.

So if I'm being bullish I would predict the judges' lowest scores will go to Rhodes, Castle and Sergeant, and the dance-off will be between Rhodes and Sergeant.

In the women's opener last Saturday, I was disappointed with Lisa Snowdon, as was the graceless Brendan who did one of his storming offs after she got a low score. But that's the trouble with being too confident. Brendan had hyped her as his best partner ever before we saw her dance, and then she came across quite wooden, probably because of nerves.

I think Heather Small has a lot of potential, as does Rachel Stevens. Cherie Lunghie is a trained dancer and judging by her frame probably dances and does Pilates still, but I don't think she's a serious contender because I doubt if the fickle public will vote for an older woman. Jessie Wallace was very nervous too and I think she's capable of much more.

Stop the poisonous Brown haters

The problem is not Gordon Brown but the evil, selfish enemies within his own cabinet who constantly conspire and plot to undermine him.

David Milliband and co, despicable millipedes who slime around the press. They have lost sight of the fact that their party is at risk because they can't wait to oust the PM to further their own pathetic ambitions.

Apparently, the papers tell us today, no sooner had Mr Brown and his magnificent wife Sarah wowed the Labour Conference and the electorate, then his enemies were back in the bars whispering and spreading rumours. Rumours that she was about to be sacked prompted the vile Ruth Kelly, a self-righteous religious extremist and bigot of the worst kind, to promptly resign, selfishly ignoring the message that might send about her views on Mr Brown. Nice one Ruth; very Christian of you to do that purely to save face.

Milliband, always lurking in the background like some creepy horror film character - Renfield, perhaps from Frankinstein - completely blew his chance to convince anyone that he is a suitable candidate for PM with his pathetic speech.

The snivelling creep is forever telling us that he "isn't about to do a Heseltine," and no he won't because he doesn't have the guts. Instead he goes as far as he can to diminish the PM and to position himself. Let's hope we all see through it, even if the government's Brown haters don't.

My message to that lot: pull yourselves together and get a grip. Accept Brown's leadership and work for the good of the country. These are difficult times, not times for novices, and if you don't stop the in-fighting and bitching, the will party implode. None of you is half the man that Brown is: dignified, scholarly, moral and kind.

Here Come the Girls: Strictly Come Dancing preview

Saturday is the big one - the arrival of the women! From what I've seen on Claudia's Take Two show, they look a strong line-up dance-wise. The only one who looks like a potential Kate Garraway is Gillian Taylforth, who, in the group dance and in rehearsals this week, looks like she's being dragged around by the gallant Anton du Beke. Why does Anton always get the no-hopers? I don't think there's a lot of fairness to the way they "give out" the celebrities. To my mind, the newcomers should have had the no hopers.

Back to the girls. The top three look likely to be Rachel Stevens, Lisa Snowdon and Heather Small. I'm not sure about Christine Bleakley. I think she could be pretty average. I don't think she'll do well with the public because of the ("alleged") business of her stealing Adrian Chiles away from his wife.

Jodie Kidd is just too tall and looked awkward in the group dance, although Zoe Ball is tall and she turned out very well. Cherie Lunghi has had dance training but she's in her late 50s, maybe early 60s, so I think she'll make a good run based on her talent but she's not so likely to win the public vote. A bit similar to Jane Seymour in the US version, Dancing with the Stars.

Jessie Wallace looks as if she'll be fairly competent. She strikes me as another Letitia Dean: has potential but little confidence. She could do well with the fickle old public.

I noticed that Vincent was quoted saying that Rachel Stevens, his partner, was not quite as good as he had expected but "she hasn't had any dance training". I note they always try to get that in. Well, Rachel may not have had formal training but she did spend a lot of her time in S Club Seven dancing and probably worked with top choreographers and trainers, so let's not pretend she's a novice, eh, Vince?

Who are you tipping for the first exit, and to win?

Strictly Come Dancing preview; thanks Southern Electric; the mystery of Rebel's Diner

Yippee Strictly Come Dancing is back tonight and the next few weeks leading up to Christmas are suddenly not quite so dark, oppressive and loaded with the spectre of Christmas.

The first show is a bit of a surprise because we haven't had Claudia's preview show to look at "the form" (although the form on the left is not bad, eh girls?). It's the men tonight, which is less interesting to me than the women next week, but, hey, who cares? It's back!

Everyone I meet keeps saying they can't understand why John Sergeant is doing it, so I'm hoping he's going to prove very nimble and at least go a couple of rounds. I would love to see Gary Rhodes fall flat on his face, particularly after he disappeared from training for two weeks but thought it was ok because "he knows how to dance".

I think the swimmer Mark Foster, pictured, will be very good - and nice to see an older man flying the stud muffin flag!

Thanks Southern Electric
Dear Southern Electric,
It was very nice of you to send us two energy saving light bulbs, and so thoughtfully in two different wattages. You also sent us a leaflet about how we could save money if we switched to you. But I'm just a little confused. You sent the package to "The Occupier" at our address, and I thought we knew each other better than that. You and I have been corresponding and exchanging large sums of money for over 10 years. So next time you write, how about you send it to me by name, and instead of the leaflet, maybe a card saying "a little thank you for all the cash?"

The Mystery of Rebel's Diner
I always know I'm nearly home when I leave the M25 at junction 26 and see the Rebel's Diner snack van in the layby with several articulated lorries jostling for space. It's as vital a part of my journey as the Dentressangle, Wilkinson and Bailey's Equine Horse Feeds lorries. But the diner has been conspicuous by its absence for several weeks. At first I thought they were taking a well earned holiday, but now it's mid September and still no snack van. Rebel Rebel wherefore art thou?

Why can't kids be competitive?

I heard in the news today that newspapers can no longer give the results of football matches played by children under the age of eight year old because it apparently makes them competitive.

What?!

This is the sort of thing that makes me splutter and come over all disgusted of Tunbridge Wells.

And the edict has not come from some looney council but from the Football Association.
As a result of the crackdown, stunned managers of under-seven and under-eight teams in the Hunts Mini-Soccer League in Cambridgeshire have been banned from giving scores to the press. The league website lists the weekend scores for teams at older age groups, but simply states 'played' for the younger ages.

We really are going too far with all this nonsense about children competing against each other. My heart swelled with pride yesterday when I saw that the humble UK came second in the medals table at the Paralympics. Second, ahead of the US and Russia. Amazing. But with ridiculous mandates like the FA's, we might as well not bother. Do they have some sort of deathwish as far as footballing success goes? Are they committed to us never being in the World Cup again? Would seem like it, if they don't want youngsters to learn about the thrill and challenges of competing.

Back from my sojourn

The less than fragrant caravan

I've been spending a few days in Torbay with my mother, Giz.

The promised heatwave only partially materialised: Sunday was beautifully hot, a perfect day, and I regret not having a dip in the sea even though I carried my "bathing togs" around all day.

We stayed in a caravan at Beverley Park to reprise a holiday there over 30 years ago. The wagon was new this season (allegedly) but although it delivered on space (three bedrooms and two bathrooms) it was a little smelly, particularly the smaller bathroom. Yeurghhhh!

Why I wanted to stay in a caravan has baffled everyone, but I like the capsule nature of the caravan, this mini house, and I'm always staying in hotels. But next time, to be sure, it will be a hotel.

In its favour the caravan park was very peaceful: you would have thought it empty if the car parks hadn't been full. And the shower was impressively powerful.


Three main higlights of the trip. On Friday night we saw Jane McDonald. The Princess Theatre was full and I was probably the youngest there, to give you an idea of demographics. We enjoyed the show: she had a seven piece band, three backing singers and a magnificent voice, better than I remembered. But we did get a bit weary of the relentless plugging of her new album and being urged by Lady Jane to stand for her encore. I don't mind giving a standing ovation if it's of my own volition, but I resent being told to do it. So I stayed seated.



The next highlight was Sunday lunch at the Corbyn Head Hotel in Torquay. This is like stepping back into yesteryear. Three course lunch: dining room filled to capacity with smart old ladies, and smiling staff who seemed to be happy in their work. All that was needed was a dessert trolley and maybe a malodorous cheese board to complete the journey to the 70s.

Final highlight was the Sunday weather and a perfect stroll around the prom at Goodrington with the steam train chugging by and a large clotted cream cornet.

After all the gastronomic delights, suffice to say I am "now back on Nutracheck"although the website appears to be down and I am anxious lest they have done a Lehman on us.

Get ready for the heatwave!

The Indian summer will hit us on Saturday, folks, so get the picnic hampers ready for one last outing!

I've been confident the weather will turn good for the last few months, ever since I booked a caravan holiday in Torquay for me and my mum back in March.

Spookily we're going to Beverley Park, where we last stayed in 1975 and my dad had his swimming trunks stolen from the washing line.

It's a sobering thought to think of 30+ years elapsing. It goes by so quickly.

As a child I used to faithfully document every minute of our holidays: what we ate and when, what we did and which shows we saw.

Here'a are some extracts from the book I put together on Bournemouth, which was our 1974 holiday and the first time we'd ever stayed in a hotel as a family.

Some highlights:
- The intrepid party set off at 8.45. The journey (from Plymouth) took six and three quarter hours and included pushing the car which broke down.
- Once in Bournemouth, the party couldn't find the hotel and there was half an hour of arguing.
- the carpet in my bedroom, shared with my brother, was pink and mauve and the wallpaper green. There were pink candlewick bedspreads and the beds were "a bit hard."
Sunday: went on yellow open top bus around Bournemouth, Went on the beach but it rained. Went to see the Three Musketeers at the Gaumont.
Monday: went shopping. Dad went to watch the cricket. Mum took us to Tuckton pleasure gardens. Had a shandy and crisps outside a pub. In the evening went to the Mike Yarwood show.

He did impressions of Harold Wilson, Twiggy (he held up a microphone), Steptoe & Son, Brian Clough, Max Bygraves and Ken Dodd.
Tuesday: went to Poole and Compton Acres. On the way back the bus broke down outside Marks & Spencer so we went in and Mum liked a trouser suit but couldn't buy it because her cheque book was at the hotel. So we went back to get it, and she bought me a denim skirt and blue jumper too.
Wednesday: went to Corfe Castle and the model village. Then went to see the tanks at Bovington. Didn't like that very much. In the evening we saw "Move over Mrs Markham" at the Pier Theatre. It was rubbish.
Thursday: listened to the band at Pine Walk in the park. Had lunch in BHS. I went to the shell house on my own and came back and suffered the Lifeguards again.


Friday: went to the beach. I was the only one in the sea. Had hot dogs for lunch. Went to the Lulu show (sadly without David Bowie, although here they are pictured in 1974).

Death knell for another pier

Just weeks after the historic pier at Weston-super-Mare was destroyed by fire, we lose another one, Fleetwood Pier in Lancashire.
I am a great admirer of the historic pleasure piers. It's very sad how some of them have been allowed to fall into disrepair and virtually left to rot, while others have been turned into nothing more than an amusement arcade.
I was lucky enough to be one of the last visitors to have a walk down Brighton's west pier a few years ago. It was closed except to organised groups, and in a poor state of repair. This was Britain's only grade 1 listed pier. Sadly it was destroyed by fire amid rumours and claims of rivalry and competitiveness with Brighton's other pier, the lairy and commercialised pier formerly known as the Palace Pier, and now known as "Brighton Pier".
Why oh why can't lottery funding be extended to preserve any of the few remaining piers which need to be restored and reinstated?
The reason they are so important is linked to our fairly recent history when thousands of day trippers would swarm down the piers on their rare days off from work (the original bank holidays), and when the wealthy would parade up and down in their finery.
Along with the marvellous art deco pools, these are a hark back to a different time and equally important as some of the stately homes and other listed buildings.
To read about the old west pier in Brighton check out this site
If you want to learn more about the historic piers join the National Piers Society.

Strictly Come Dancing line-up

It's a true harbinger of autumn along with conkers and Christmas cards appearing in the shops: the announcement of the Strictly Come Dancing line-up.

For the benefit of my US visitors, this is the show that led to all the other SCD versions across the globe and "Dancing with the Stars" in America. It's really big in the UK and has single handedly rescued the career of Bruce Forsyth (who really should be knighted soon, Queen, if you're reading).

So here's my assessment of the line-up announced today and their ideal partner (my selections):
"Bubbly Birds"
Rachel Stevens -- bit of a has-been now and looking to rejuvenate her career. Brown hair in the BBC picture. Makes her look a bit ordinary. Partnered with Anton du Beke because he always gets an old bird with no chance of winning.
Jodie Kodd - looking to revitalise her career after an alleged drugs scandal. Tall skinny ex-model. She'll have to have the lovely Ian Waite because she's so tall.
Heather Small - I remember an amazing voice - "Proud." Maybe Matthew Cutler.

Older Birds
There's always one or two from EastEnders. This time there are two, Jessie Wallace and Gillian Taylforth. For Jessie I would say Vincent and for Gillian, tee hee, the awful Brendan.
Lisa Snowden who went out with George Clooney and makes a clown of herself on Britain's Next Top Model. (She would expect to be in Bubbly Birds category. I'll pair her with Darren Bennett.)

Older Blokes
Chef Gary Rhodes will no doubt be showing off his muscles (I've written about him before, and it wasn't flattering). For him, Karen Hardy.
John Sergeant, 64, is my tip for the first exit. I thought he was fabulous when he stood in on Have I Got News For You? Maybe the lovely Flavia?
Don Warrington with the rich honied tones (ex Rising Damp). Partnered with Erin Boag.

Sports people
The boring and hugely competitive inevitable sportspeople are: Mark Foster, the swimmer who carried our Olympic flag (no medals though) and a rugby player called Austin Healey. For Mark I would recommend Camilla Dallerup and for Austin, Nicole Cutler.

Miscellaneous
The obligatory GMTV presenter is Andrew Castle, the ex tennis player, who will no doubt be ferociously competitive and wanting to do better than Fiona Phillips and Kate Garraway. And that won't be hard, will it? I was hoping for LK.
Some woman from The One Show, Christine Bleakley.
Tom Chambers from Holby City. Don't watch it now (not since Mr Mayer left) so don't know who he is, but would suspect he must be the obligatory young stud muffin when you look at the rest of the men!
For these three, I would recommend the three new professional dancers (wonder who's not taking part this year?).

The obesity epidemic

The Conservatives today said they wouldn't inflict a "nanny state" by intervening to stop the obesity epidemic. This sparked an interesting debate on the Jeremy Vine show, which normally I avoid like the plague. Anne Diamond, the former broadcaster who had her stomach stapled or a gastric band or whatever, is now some sort of obesity spokeswoman, and she sparked off some new thinking for me by highlighting that obesity is also a major problem in countries like Australia and Japan.

Previously I had blamed the obesity problem on previous governments selling off school playing fields; on schools stopping domestic science, so that nobody knows how to cook nowadays, and the fact that nasty old junk food is actually addictive, as proven in "Supersize Me" where the guy's mouth would start salivating every time he went near MacDonald's.

There's obviously some wider social issues at play and it's gratifying to know it's not just Britain that is becoming a nation of lardasses.

Predictably, several listeners rang up to say that fat people should simply eat less, but when food is used as an emotional crutch, it's much harder to say no. I speak from experience as I used to be a bit of a lardass myself but in the last four years have more or less eaten sensibly and exercised. Occasionally half a stone creeps back on, because food is damned enjoyable and I enjoy eating my way round the nation's restaurants, but then I have to rein myself in and go back on the Gillian McKeith regime.

The Hall Marks - a new type of award!

You may have heard of the Blackwell awards where some unknown American lambasts celebrities for their frock horrors each year.

Well, I'm now launching the Hall Mark Awards, a list of people I find interesting - and a list of people I would avoid like the plague.

I can see this becoming a big property on Living TV and I'm quite happy to be styled and loaned some rocks and Manolos.

So without further ado, here is my list of The Most Interesting. I wouldn't invite them to a dinner party at the same time because there would be too much competitive preening and bitching. But on a one-to-one basis, I'd quite happily share my picnic with any of these.
In no particular order:

1) Carol McGiffin: the mouthy one on Loose Women and ex-wife of Chris Evans (see entry 9). We seem to share the same robust views on a number of topics and both belong to the "get a grip" school of, well, getting a grip.
2) Jane McDonald: hmmm there's a Loose Women thread developing here. And do you know, I am actually seeing Lady Jane in Torquay soon with my mum! Love her deadpan northern humour.
3) Sarah and Gordon Brown: I would much prefer to have dinner with the Browns than dinner with the Camerons (see my Really Boring List). I imagine dinner would be simple and unpretentious, Gordon is probably very erudite and well read, and they wouldn't subject their guests to a lot of emperor's new clothes type nonsense.
4) Russell Brand: to start with, I thought he was a mouthy big haired loon, but I now "get" him. Love his word play and cruel personality.
5) AA Gill (Sunday Times critic). Another one with an interesting way with words. His nemesis Giles Coren is on my other list.

6) Jerry Hall: a woman ageing gracefully without using botox or other nasties.
7) Dame Vivienne Westwood: complete class act and as mad as a hatter.
8) Dame Helen Mirren (a dame thread is now developing). For showing what a 62 year old can look like, without making us feel bad about it (see other list entry #10, Madonna).
9) Chris Evans: I didn't use to like him but I get so affronted when he's on holiday and we're lumbered with Richard what's his name (Allison?) that I won't listen.
10) Cynthia Nixon: my favourite from Sex & The City.

The Hall Mark List of Really Boring Tedious People
1) The Camerons: achingly "trendy" Boden clad smoothies who no doubtdrone on about the provenance of their food, which schools are the best, which cars are the most fuel efficient and how they're listening to the Ting Tings (when really they're listening to Shirley Bassey).
2) Gordon Ramsay: so over!
3) Sienna Miller: file under "slapper"
4) June Sarpong: smug

5) Mylene Klass: smug and ubiquitous. Someone stop her from appearing in everything on TV! Fully expecting to see her looming up in Strictly Come Dancing and Countdown.
6) Kate Spicer: hang dog looking journalist and alpha woman, always moaning on about eating disorders and hating fat people (needs to see a shrink if you ask me)

7) Giles Coren: as we saw from "Super size", the man has had a personality bypass. All he seemed to do was frantically chew whatever it was he was given, testicles etc.
8) Jennifer Aniston: needy.
9) Angelina Jolie: pious and smug.
10 Madonna: I admire her for showing that 50 year old women do not become invisible. But she's so controlling and disciplined I long for the couch just thinking about her.

It's not rocket science

Apparently the authorities in Zakynthos and Malia (Crete) are in an uproar about the behaviour of drunken, promiscuous and aggressive young British tourists. Even the British ambassador has been called over to account for himself ("Good lord!").

I'd like to offer some free advice to the Greeks.

If you want to appeal to families and stop the rot of marauding teenagers and 20- somethings, then get your bar owners and restrauteurs to a) close at midnight and b) stop serving cheap alcohol in gold fish bowls.

Simple.

That's what they did in Ayia Napa, Cyprus, and the place is now largely cleansed of these appalling people.

I don't blame the kids themselves. After after working the longest hours in Europe, eating the worst diet and getting no exercise, it's not surprising they feel like letting off steam. The problem is the avaricious bar and restaurant owners who can retire for the winter after a good summer intoxicating the youths of Britain. Close the bars early and hike up the price of alcohol and you'll soon see those parasites, the likes of Club 18-30, seeking a new destination to spoil.

Tears for Paula

I doubt if there was a dry eye in the land as the nation awoke to discover that Paula Radcliffe had another disasterous marathon at the Olympics. Paula was very brave to finish and actually came 23rd so not a terrible performance. Brendan Foster seemed to be suggesting that maybe she shouldn't have run at all, knowing that she wasn't fully prepared for the race. It was very sad nonetheless to see such a great runner failing to add an Olympic medal to her tally of trophies.

This Olympics seems to have been more of a tear jerker than it normally is. Somehow you don't feel like crying for Michael Phelps as he ruthlessly snatches yet another victory, like some sort of automaton. But it's very emotional when the old British flag goes up, particularly when, yesterday, Brits in the velodrome actually started singing the words.

We have done very well this time. People will always sigh about our medal performance but if you compare us to nations with the same size population (eg Turkey, Spain, Poland) we're streets ahead. It all augers well for 2012.

Now, onto 2012. I'm fed up with all the moaning about "we won't be able to top the Chinese opening ceremony." Tosh! Few other countries have the heritage, history and cultural diversity that we enjoy. I'm sure we can pull off an amazingly colourful and entertaining opening ceremony. It doesn't have to have all the hugely expensive computer generated trickery or perfect looking people. I see it including Scottish pipers, Welsh male voice choirs, Irish dancing, ballet, ballroom dancing, scenes from Shakespeare and Dickens....and ending with "All you need is love" performed by Paul & Ringo with the sons of George and John. How about that!

All I hope is that we throw enough money at the 2012 Olympics to make it work like a dream and run like clockwork. I don't want any meltdowns or issues with public transport. We don't want another Terminal 5 type debacle. If we run the Olympics like we run the royal pageants, it should be flawless. Can't wait!

Some random thoughts and not a lorry in sight

Britain's answer to Paris Hilton, Peaches Geldof, has just embarked on her first marriage. I say "first" because I know with doom laden certainty that this sudden Las Vegas coupling isn't for keeps. It seems to be some sort of promotional push for her new husband's band. Ironic, seeing as in an interview recently in one of the "quality" papers she lamented the way she is always being compared to her mother. This after she was rushed to hospital after an alleged drugs overdose.

It seems Peaches cannot exist without the oxygen of press coverage, mostly negative. She seems doomed to travel on the roller coaster of Z list celebritydom and to live out one failed marriage after the next.

Wrong? Hope she proves me wrong. But somehow I doubt it.

Meanwhile the city where I was born, Plymouth, has been in a lather of excitement thanks to 14 year old sychronised diver Tom Daley. (My brother Robert was apoplectic at the Radio Times crediting Portsmouth for this prodigy - a most unfortunate error, given that bloody Portsmouth has been preferred over Devonport and the dockyard there is now doomed to closure).
Unusually for a 14 year old, Tom is confident and lucid, and quickly became over-hyped by the press both in the UK and in China. The fact that his 26 year old diving partner then criticised him when they came bottom didn't surprise me in the least. The poor guy was barely mentioned in the run-up to the Olympics, even though it takes two to do synchronised diving. He was bound to be secretly seething, and by the next Olympics will probably be over the hill.

Let's hope Tom comes good in the individual diving event near the end of the Olympics. Otherwise four words "Eddie The Eagle Edwards" spring to mind.

Picnic Panic

One of the hazards of a UK summer is that you're doomed to being cautiously optimistic, but then having your hopes dashed. If only we could rely on constantly good weather, like we had a couple of years ago!

As I write, it's raining, and I'm hoping that tomorrow will be one of those rare perfect sunny days, as we're off to the Innocent village fete at Regent's Park. It sounds right up my street - I love fetes, but nowadays they're mostly glorified car boot sales.

My mum always has great expectations for Christmas but for me it's all about halycon summers. I'm always living in hope of wonderful picnics, BBQs and garden parties with those little lantern fairy lights threaded on trees. I want tartan picnic rugs, I want chilled Pimms, I want little savoury eggs, lots of laughter and no wasps.

What I invariably get is "light showers" (necessitating umbrellas and unflattering plastic capes as well as the cool box and sun cream), gloomy companions and a sense of "we've had the picnic, can we go now?"

When I was a kid I don't recall many picnics, except for the packed lunches we'd have at Tinside pool. There was always greaseproof paper and a hard boiled egg, and if Grandma was around, a wet flannel (she was ahead of her times, predicting the rise of the Wet Wipe).

What we did do, nearly every Sunday, was go out for a drive after the roast. My dad Stamps was a somewhat irascible character at the best of times and on many occasions he would drive us angrily to somewhere like Tavistock and then say "I've brought you here so enjoy yourselves." Once he got so mad on the way to Newquay (before the Indian Queens bypass) that when we got there, he decided we would go straight home.

But the funniest thing about those trips was the car coats. Do you remember them? What a strange concept - funny anorak type coats that were sold to wear in the car!

I can still picture my nose pressed against the glass of our saluki bronze Cortina, wearing my green car coat, and hoping for laughter and savoury eggs at Tavistock or wherever it was we were headed.

Barry George freed

I wrote a few months ago about the miscarriage of justice that resulted in Barry George languishing in prison for the murder of Jill Dando, a former colleague of mine, whom I did not believe he was capable of killing.

Today he was freed.

Embarrassing for the police who now have to reopen the case. I can't help thinking it's all too convenient for the police to accuse people like Barry George, Stefan Kiszko and Derek Bentley who are easy targets. In a high profile case like Jill's, a decisive result was needed fast. The local "nutter" who idolised several TV celebrities was an ideal candidate. He probably caved in very quickly under questioning because his grasp of reality is apparently very limited.

Goodness knows what his defence case was like in the case that sent him to prison because anyone could blast a thousand holes in it. His "army experience" was a couple of days in the TA (they got rid of him). The evidence against him was purely circumstantial.

He's spent eight years in jail but he's of the lucky ones. Derek Bentley was hanged, (later given a posthumous pardon) Stefan Kiszko was freed after 16 years and died a year later aged 44.