Bring back decent TV

Heaven forbid that I would mention the licence fee (too Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells for words), but it crossed my mind as I idly perused the TV guide that we watch hardly anything on the BBC channels these days. I am watching Masterchef, I own up to that, although I'm heartily fed up with the knowing looks that Torode exchanges with the "ingredients expert" (grocer) Wallace.

We also watch Coast, where I am fascinated by the umbrella that Nicholas Crane carries everywhere but never uses; and sometimes we like the costume dramas, although Lark's Rise to Candleford is the most appalling old tosh and didn't survive beyond the second week.

The various "comedies" don't get a look in, nor the tired old formats of Have I Got News For You, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, Top Gear, etc etc.

(On the subject of comedies, does anyone really find "My Family" funny?).

"Extras" is OK sometimes; "Jam and Jerusalem" is very unfunny, which is sad considering the talent appearing in it.

We watch even less on ITV. Make that nothing on ITV.

I'm really hoping that 2008 is the year we turn against the reality shows. They were all OK when they first started and the people appearing on them weren't cynical or manipulated by the producers. Now most of these shows show the levels to which human nature can sink. Those various X Factor entertainment type shows manipulate those who take part and those who watch. People have recently told the papers about how they were forced to say x or y in shows like Wife Swap to make them more controversial. We glorify foul mouthed dysfunctional families like the Osbornes.

And don't get me started on the programmes which humilate the obese. Every week, the contents of someone's fridge is displayed and laughed at. In the ridiculous "Supersize v Superskinny," we're allowed to laugh at the eating habits of thin people too! I wish programmes would take obesity seriously and stop parading hectoring "experts" or patronising doctors.

All in all, it's a bleak picture. I would love to see the return of good old family entertainment. Shows with a feel good factor.

Strictly Come Dancing is a fabulous example because it can't really be manipulated (although the judges now bitch and moan similar to those on the X Factor). Dancing on Ice was hyped up this year to try to capitalise on the SCD factor but I turned off after the first 20 minutes. The music drives you mad and the staging looks very cheap and tacky.

Here's an idea for Channel 4. With all our prison overcrowding, why don't they introduce a show like "The Running Man" which stars real life convicts? To add a bit of spice it could be presented by a couple of disgraced or forgotten TV presenters. How about John Leslie.

If you see it in the next few months remember you read about it here first!

Good for you, Helena Bonham-Carter

A few years ago I didn't care much for Helena Bonham-Carter. She was always turning up in those dreary Merchant Ivory films, being posh and having the vapours as they used to say, and hadn't she had a thing with the dreadful Kenneth Branagh?

Anyway, over time I have warmed towards her. I understand she's into scrapbooking, like me (she was pictured at the big Alexandra Palace scrapping expo); she has a business venture where she and a friend customise jeans and bloomers, and, more importantly, she is a strong individualist when it comes to clothes.

Last week she was seen on the red carpet, promoting her latest film Sweeney Todd. She was wearing a red Vivienne Westward dress (good) but apparently, according to some of the bitchy fashionistas, her teeth were too yellow and she was showing signs of a moustache.

Well, given that she had a baby fairly recently, I think it's great that HBC was able to look fab on the red carpet and didn't give two hoots about getting out the Immac or spending hundreds on zoom whitening which gives you pearly molars for about a year and then they go back to normal minus some of the enamel.

I love it when she's seen out and about looking like a Trinny and Susannah "before." She's clearly happy doing her own thing, which can't be bad. I know that if I had to choose between her and Victoria Beckham for a girly gossip, I would be straight round to HBC's for a cup of builder's tea and a Hob Nob. All I would get at VB's would be detox tea and a carrot stick, I suspect (if she does carrots - they are carbs after all).

Reminiscences about MyBlogLog

I took a nostalgic look at MyBlogLog today. It used to be a really hot and happening community of bloggers, but since a takeover by Yahoo, I find that many of the members of my "community" have not visited the site since July. They didn't want to have to merge their mybloglog ID with their Yahoo ID. I did do the merge, but I rarely visit the site now. It hasn't got any better functionality or features, and you still can't do a proper search to find current and regularly updated blogs in particular countries.

I felt quite nostalgic as I recalled the names of strangers whose sites I used to visit (and they reciprocated): Lady Banana, Thomas Hamburger Jnr, Personal Trainer, Yack Yack, Retroattic, Rob Watts.

Some of their blogs are still regularly updated. I always enjoy Thomas Hamburger. His comments on Janet Street Porter this week were priceless.

Apart from the camaraderie of fellow bloggers, the site used to deliver great stats on visits to your site. But I hardly ever bother to check lately because Sitemeter does the same job.

Time to check out the latest blogging hotspot. In these transient times, what's hot in the blogosphere today is as dead as the dodo in six months' time.

Diana Farce

The Diana inquest is turning into a complete shambles. I heard on the radio today that the inquest was told that Tony Blair was said to have flirted with her at an official dinner. What's that got to do with her death? The whole thing has become a salacious charade with the tabloid press in a feeding frenzy. Her so-called friends and trusted advisors (or rocks, whatever they want to call themselves) have all been contradicting each other and the inquest seems suspiciously light on any real evidence.

I hoped the inquest would put to rest the ridiculous claims about a murder plot, the over-positioning of the Dodi relationship and the nonsense about her being pregnant. But it seems these claims will stil perpetuate because we aren't getting definitive answers. We see some sweet letters from Prince Philip but we're told there were nasty ones. One of her friends says Dodi was important, Paul Burrell says he wasn't. We hear there WAS a ring, but it was a friendship ring only (and besides, she would surely have been insulted if if an "engagement" ring only cost £15k!).

The whole thing is a nonsensical shambles. Prince Charles and Prince Philip should have been called as witnesses, otherwise the rest is Chinese Whispers at best. But that was never likely to happen, so we're wasting vast amounts of taxpayers' money on keeping The Sun afloat for the duration of the inquest.

Note to Victoria

I see Mrs Beckham was voted worst dresser in Mr Blackwell's list of 2007. Highly justified, judging by the latest photos of her in a lime green ensemble. I noticed in Hello recently that both Katie Holmes (one of VB's friends) and Angelina Jolie were seen sporting glamorous outerwear at red carpet events. Outerwear? Yes, shock horror, a stylish raincoat in the case of Ms Jolie, and a gorgeous coat in the case of Katie. Let's hope their example will put paid to the spectacle of VB, and hundreds of ladies in Newcastle, wearing sleeveless dresses at night with no coat and no tights!

Remembering a great but forgotten writer

Another new year. Another set of resolutions. Well - with a difference. Only nice resolutions. I'm through with those draconian "must lose 2 stone" type resolutions. It amuses me no end to see the local gym stuffed to the gunnels in Jan with earnest new joiners, fleeced for a year's membership only to stop attending after the first three or four weeks.

My resolutions are: go to the theatre/cinema or an exhibition at least once a month: stop buying so many magazines; stop spending so much money on "stash" (scrapbook supplies) and read a classic novel at least once a month.

On the subject of classic novels, or novels in general, The Times' List of the Greatest British Writers since 1945 was a must-read. Inevitably, one always disagrees with a list like this in some respect. The online version already has 68 comments. I thought the top five was largely spot on, with Philip Larkin in pole position. I do disagree with the inclusion of JK Rowling and Ian Fleming in the top 50. Both have written global best-sellers but I doubt if their novels will stand the test of time. They're not particularly well written. I also disagreed with Salman Rushdie and his pompous pretentious tosh being in the top 10. And I was amazed Ian McKeown was in the lowly 30s.


Mostly though, I was appalled at the omission even from the long list of Bernice Rubens. A former Booker prize winner, she wrote the most fascinating, observant and quirky studies of human nature. A couple of her books, "I Sent A Letter to My Love" and "Madame Souzatza" were made into films. One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't ever send her a letter saying how much I enjoyed her work, because she died a couple of years ago just before her autobiography was published.

My gran wrote to one of her favourite writers, Catherine Cookson, and received a charming reply. It's not the reply I miss, but the fact that I didn't tell her how spell binding I found most of her novels. She is a forgotten gem.

Christmas TV - humbug!

I shall be starting to sound like Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells if I dare to query the TV licence fee, but Christmas - well! How much more lacklustre could TV get?

To be honest we don't watch much TV. There's so little that appeals, we tend to watch films (excellent service from MovieBank or Sky Box Office).

But we do enjoy a big budget costume drama, wildlife documentaries and, of course, Strictly Come Dancing.

I've written endlessly about the latter. The final was disappointing, the Christmas Day special was enjoyable, and the Story of Strictly was very entertaining. I particularly enjoyed the Natasha Kemplinsky footage because I missed series one.

Oliver Twist on BBC1 was a delight, except for the last episode which was baffingly bad. Why was Bill Sikes seen running through a forest with Oliver, only to return to London to get nabbed? Bill Sikes was so appalling the last couple of episodes, where his brooding malevolence is supposed to dominate, became a bit laughable.

I had sore misgivings about "Ballet Shoes" and these were borne out. Victoria Wood seemed grossly miscast; Emma Watson wooden and the other two orphans lacking in charisma or talent. Even poor Marc Warren, who's normally memorable in everything, struggled to make much of his role.


Marc Warren

Extras was an unexpected highlight: it can be very hit-or-miss, but I enjoyed the Christmas episode. There was a great blend of humour and pathos, and the scenes with George Michael and Clive Owen really utilised their talent and star quality.

I've also been enjoying Bleak House. Not new I know, but I missed it the first time round, so I've been recording it on UKTV Drama. It's great to come down in the morning and find another couple of episodes ready to watch.


I missed The Old Curiosity Shop thanks to the DH recording two football shows (thanks Spurs / Reading for the 10 goal bonanza - how about imnproving your defence?).

Disappointingly, two of my festive faves weren't new this year, Celebrity Masterchef and Come Dine with Me. Both repeats. And I had to get my Nigella Christmas fix from UK TV Food. The Christmas show is I think only a year old, but it highlighted the huge difference between Nigella then and the recent Express programme. It's been written quite widely how she seems to have become a parody of herself. Too much finger wagging at the camera and double entendres. I blame the director. Nigella, make it a NY resolution to go back to being semi serious about the cooking?

Go Alesha!

After a long drawn out final which frankly became a bit tedious, the right finalist won and Alesha claimed the glitterball in the Strictly Come Dancing final.

In fact the most dramatic event of the evening was the announcement, because her head was drooping as if she was already defeated whereas Matt was beaming broadly as if he had already won.

The promised fare of five dances including a show dance was a little disappointing because in reality it was only two new dances - one to the judge's choice of music and the other the show dance. What with that, and the endless reminders of their "journeys," and the whole thing was in danger of being rescued only by Bruce's singing and the Spice Girls (and didn't Geri used to get a turn at singing too? Is that her punishment?).

I am so tired of hearing about the celebrities' journeys. It's not as if they're St Paul on the Damascus road. For Matt, Kelly and others, it was simply putting into practice what they were taught at Sylvia Young's. No matter how much they protest otherwise, dancing is part of the curriculum. But still they squirm around and pretend it's all new to them.

Alesha was good right from the start and hardly had a wobble throughout the competition. It was difficult to see how she had any sort of "journey" because she didn't need to improve, except for the judges' nit picking about foot positions. Matt did show massive improvement, but it was more a case of applying himself and concentrating because he always did have the talent but probably couldn't be arsed most of the time. I was very relieved when Alesha won because I feared the gurning kid would score votes big-time from all the EastEnders fans and teenage girls.

I don't know when they record the Christmas Day special, when Alesha and Matt take on previous winners. I doubt if it's being recorded after last night, so it can't be seen as Matt's opportunity for retribution. I didn't think I would hear myself say this, but I'll be glad that SCD has finished. Too drawn out and over hyped!

Oliver Twist hits the mark

As far as Oliver Twist is concerned, I am a hard nut to crack. As a child I was bowled over by the Lionel Bart musical, film version, and bought the book and the record. I still love that film, and when I saw Roman Polanski's version a couple of years ago, it just didn't compare.

So it was with sore misgivings that I started watching the BBC's new adaptation, being broadcast for four days this week. But what a treat! I am even starting to think my perceptions of the film are very overrated as the character development was minimal.

In the BBC version, the characters are all richly drawn. Even Oliver, who has always appeared too wimpy and submissive for my liking. He behaves like you would expect a child incacerated in a workhouse, beaten and starved, to behave. He is feisty but, confronted with the love that he desperately craves, trusting and open.

I'm looking at Mr Brownlow in a new way too. In the film he comes over as a nice enough old cove, happy to take in a rugamuffin. In this version, he is anguished and sad, and we learn why.

I'm also seeing Fagin in a new light thanks to Timothy Spall's sensitive portrayal. In the film he's all avarice and picking pockets (or two). In this version, we wonder about his background, his heritage.

All in all, it's a magnificant version and I'm really enjoying it. The only character to me who seems weak is Bill Sikes, but I probably am a bit biased in that to me, the Oliver Reed version will be hard to beat. He had much more menace and charisma.

Another treat, The Old Curiosity Shop, awaits us next week; and there's also a re-run of David Copperfield, starring Daniel Radcliffe before he was Harry Potter, on one of the satellite channels. This is all good news for those of us who like Dickens and loathe Jane Austen! Let us hope the fashion for Pride and Prejudice and all those other twee, arch dramas has now passed, and maybe we will see more from Dickens, George Eliot and, heaven forbid, Thomas Hardy.

Thoughts on the Strictly final

After a thriller of a semi-final, Alesha and surprisingly Matt go through to the final next Saturday. Presumably the public will decide who wins. I can't see how the judges could overrule when The Public is already being urged to phone. On that basis, I am sad to say that Matt di Angelo will probably win. As I've said before, the voting demographic (teenage girls, middle-aged women) is more likely to vote for a 20 year old male than Alesha, who hasn't had so much of a "journey" on the show because she danced well from the start.

I'm disappointed that Gethin didn't get through to the final, mainly for Camilla's sake. She looked stricken even before the dance off, because unless Matt forgot his steps in a repeat of last week's performance, his 40 out of 40 score was going to be impossible to beat.

But credit to the kid, as we call him, in that he showed enough strength of character to bounce back after last week's hideous performance.

I'm actually more excited about the other SCD show that's on during the Christmas period - the one where past winners Mark Ramprakash and Darren Gough take on this year's finalists. The actual final, to me, is too much of a foregone conclusion now.

Meanwhile, I spotted an ad in the Radio Times for an SCD tour in Jan and Feb where past contestants including Zoe Ball, Darren Gough, James Martin and Letitita Dean compete in front of the judges and the audience decides who wins. Fab!! I will be assembling a small posse to attend!

A wonderful time of year

I was just putting the finishing touches to a scrapbook layout on Christmas Past, listening to my favourite Christmas songs, and I was musing on Christmas and the time of year.

Sometimes I get a bit like Scrooge and his "humbugs" when I think how commercialised it has got; how children expect (and get) lavish presents; how the PC-ness of today means nativity plays are about anything other than the birth of Christ, and the lack of religious teaching in schools mean most people have no idea where Jesus was born (according to a recent survey).

But, despite all that, it's still a very exciting time of year. The turning on of the Christmas lights; the delightful secrecy in buying presents for loved ones and then wrapping them; buying tree decorations; buying a party frock for the office party, and Christmas carol services. People become warmer to each other and it is a season for goodwill.

Scrapbooking has actually magnified that for me because it lends itself to such wonderful layouts: trimming the tree, the Christmas table, opening the presents, snow fights (assuming we have any), the office party.

My mum always got irrationally excited about Christmas, as did my gran before her. They put a lot of effort into making our Christmases special. Grandma would sit on Christmas Eve plucking and singeing a chicken, would you believe. Mum would make her Christmas and log cakes, and sometimes Christmas pudding, and on Christmas Day we always had a capon (not a turkey: too dry, she said). There were times when we got fractious or argumentative during MovieMaker, but generally it was a very happy time and steeped in traditions. Some of them continue to this day, even though we never all spend Christmas together.

We always watch "A Christmas Carol" (the Alastair Sim version). We always have sausage rolls and baked beans on Christmas Eve, although I don't need whisky and milk now to help me sleep (I did when I was seven!). We still call the leftovers "orks," and we insist on Cadbury's chocolate biscuits for breakfast on Christmas Day.

If you want to check out my scrapbooked Christmas past, it's here.

Matt to go

Bit of a trauma before SCD this evening: we'd had a power failure for a few minutes and the Sky Plus box promptly threw one of its tantrums and could not be diverted from tirelessly downloading software. This was only supposed to take 10 minutes but it was still going strong an hour later.

This meant that the usual frenzy of preparation prior to sitting down to watch SCD had to be put on ice (preparing my pitta bread, toasting J's roll, getting the drinks ready, sorting out the jacket potatoes for dinner) because it usually relies on pausing the programme. And without the Sky Plus, this was not possible!!

So it was a good thing I had Gethin and Camilla's gentle Smooth to calm me down as I started fretting that I would also miss the boxing later (even if it does cost £14.95to watch!).

Their Smooth was heavenly with Gethin finally laying to rest the old Geth, and allowing the new Gethin to bloom.

Letitia was fully recovered after last week and looked fabulous. Her dress for the waltz was sensational with a see-through corset bodice. The hooters were shown to best effect. I thought the judges were a bit harsh with her jive. I really didn't think it was that bad.

Alesha's Viennese waltz was beautiful and I didn't once think it was just another boring waltz. But her paso doble was a little disappointing. As the judges said, there wasn't enough stamping and haughtiness, although Matthew was certainly stamping and flaring his nostrils in a very fetching way.

Then there was Matt. Poor boy. During ITT this week, he said he was worried about tonight's two dances because he couldn't remember the steps. I don't think he was making it up either. He seemed to freeze and lose his way at exactly the same point in both the dances.

I think it will go without saying that he and Letitia will be in the dance-off tomorrow night. Unless Matt dramatically improves, Letitita will sail through to the semi-final. Fully deserved in my view.

You'll be glad to know the Sky Plus box has now recovered: John said mysteriously he had tricked it into working again, but who knows how men's minds work when they're fiddling with gadgets. So the boxing is back on again, yay!

Trinny and Susannah got it wrong

I'm normally a big fan of Trinny and Susannah and their brisk advice. But this week, when they bullied some mature ladies into going into stores like New Look and TopShop, and insisted they encase themselves in tailoring, I felt they'd got it wrong.

They'd assembled a great bunch of women in their 60s and above: feisty, independent, enjoying life. And T&S seemed to assume that because they'd given up on the high street, they'd given up on life.

What they didn't seem to get was that older women, quite often widowed or single, no longer feel the need to compete with each other in the way younger women do, or that they had to win the attention of men. It must be incredibly liberating, I think, to wear what you want, even if it's just something comfortable, and have great companionship with other women. Sheesh, when I'm that age I don't want to have to keep dieting and exercising and forcing myself into tailored clothes!

My mum is a great case in point. She wears very bright colours so could never be accused of fading into the background. But she gets most of her clothes in M&S and wouldn't be seen dead in New Look or Top Shop, Nor would I, frankly. Who wants to be looked at as if you're a mutant by teenagers wearing all the stuff you wore years ago? (Nothing is ever new these days my darlings).

If you want to play the mutton game, and turn back time, you end up being ridiculed like Faye Dunaway in today's Daily Mail. On the one hand they praise her flawless skin, her perfect veneered teeth, her tumbling hair...but then they spitefully show a close-up of her hands. In true Daily Mail style, they aim to humiliate and ridicule an older woman - when most of their readers are women. I just don't get it.

It would have been far more realistic to my mind if Trinny & Susannah had persuaded the ladies to shop around in M&S and not just in the Classics dept. They could pick up some tailoring or smart shoes and dresses in Autograph, Per Una or the other department whose name escapes me, and not feel out of place.

My prediction: Matt and Kenny in the dance-off

Strictly Come Dancing - Saturday December 1 A torrid last night for poor Letitia Dean as she struggled against nausea and a confidence crisis and turned in a disappointing performance. But although she was in the bottom two, I believe the public will save her from the dance-off tonight. Her tears came across as genuine and I think people really like her.

So I'm predicting Matt di Angelo and Kenny Logan will meet in the dance off, and Kenny will finally go.

His improvement in the last two weeks has been phenomenal. Who would have thought he could turn in a rumba that wasn't laughable? But his hands are still like huge bunches of bananas and he doesn't do very many steps, so it's time he went.

Matt is very up and down, one week on sparkling form (like last week), the next a bit lacklustre. Sometimes he suffers from Flavia's overly difficult and trendy choreography. Their tango should have been a treat but it was ponderous and lacked the staccato. Alesha and Matthew showed how it should be done.

Another celebrity who's improved beyond recognition is Gethin. Last night he started to look like a serious contender for the title. If he gets in the final, I believe he could easily win because the public will probably vote for him more than Alesha. They should have brought in the acting coach weeks ago because the difference he made was huge. Gethin has suddenly become uber male, confident and charismatic.

Cold and grey

Cold and grey has nothing to do with Strictly Come Dancing but it was the first thing I heard on the radio this morning. "Cold and grey." What a cheerful prospect!

Anyway, back to SCD and what a treat it was to see Kelly Brook and the loathsome Brendan in the dance-off. Kelly had been predictably babbling away all week about her dance not being very good and that she feared being booted off, but she does this every week and we just yawn and think "yeah right" because inevitably she then delivers a hum dinger (as my grandma used to say).

But this week she was right. Their dance, to Saturday Night Fever (a bad choice to start with) was lacklustre, repetitive and clumsy. It looked like a week one dance. I was glad to see Len tearing into them and their silly excuses about not enough time. The group dance may have taken 25 hours to rehearse but the other competitors managed to find enough time.

I can imagine the tongue lashing Brendan probably got after the humilation of the dance-off. I really hoped they would go but, darn it, the judges saved them. No doubt they'll be telling Claudia all week that it was a heart-stopping moment, a reality check, etc, and on Saturday they'll come back bigger and better.

As for the rest, the last two dances were simply irresistable with Matt and Flavia, and then Alesha and Matthew, weaving round the floor like dragonflies. They have broken away from the rest of the pack and currently look unassailable. The only doubt I have is whether or not Alesha can rely on the public vote as we get to the finals. Matt di Angelo can rely on the healthy EastEnders demographic, as can Letitita, who I think is extremely popular and a serious contender for the final three. But not having been in a group for a while, and not likely to appeal to the voting teenage girls or middle-aged women, I can't think Alesha will have enough support to win.

Gethin and Letitita both performed admirably but they're still a way behind Matt and Alesha. I was thrilled to hear Arlene tell Letitita that she is a beautiful woman and fabulous dancer. Earlier in the week, the marvellous Gok Wan said she had a gorgeous body and should be showing it off better. I agree! There's too much material in those dresses. Letitia, get your hooters out! Kelly has been doing it since week one!

Weighing in on the football crisis

So the bufton tuftons from the FA have met and quickly gave Steve McLaren the boot.

Not surprising: what is more surprising is how he got the job in the first place. Second fiddle to Sven? Low profile? But then, the buftons made such a hash of approaching higher profile international managers, we were bound to end up with a dud.

But don't put all the blame on McLaren. It also lies with the FA, and with the players. Firstly the FA. Bunch of middle-aged or elderly incompetents with no teeth (metaphorically speaking, though probably true as well). Unlike other countries, our players don't get much time to practice together. The FA needs to re-prioritise amd stop putting league gate receipts ahead of the national game.

Then the players. Their body language last night was defeatist from the start. When Lampard scored (a lucky-to-be-awarded penalty), the players didn't even celebrate. Not the action of a patriotic closely-knit team. At the end, they walked off as if to say "oh well, that's that." A bad day at the office, but hey? I got my pay (several thousand pounds). No tears or anger. Acceptance.

Croatia might not have a team full of stars but they have guts and team spirit. Our bunch of "stars" have never really performed together. Some of these "international names" have performed consistently badly for England: Lampard, Gerrard, Ferdinand, Crouch. I suggest a big cull and bringing in some new young talent. Let's face it, they can't be any worse.

I hope the FA gets off its corpulent ass to quickly hire someone who is capable of affecting change. Jose Mourinho or Arsene Wenger. Don't settle for second-best again. And a few heads should roll at the FA too. Nincompoops.

Sour grapes from Gary Rhodes

I can imagine how it went at the PR agency.
"Gary's got a new book coming out. How can we raise his profile, increase his visibility with the national press?!
"Have him attack another chef. How about Marco Pierre White, who replaced him on Hell's Kitchen?
"No, too risky. The papers would compare them and Gary would come off worse in every area: number of Michelin stars, looks, viewing figures of Hell's Kitchen."
"How about Delia Smith?"
"No, done before."
"Nigella Lawson?"
"Perfect. She's on TV at the moment and she's unlikely to respond."

TV cook Gary Rhodes apparently accused Nigella of being an entertainer rather than a chef in one or two of yesterday's papers.

Not only is his puerile attack sour grapes, because Nigella's TV show is on BBC2 whereas he now languishes in the hinterland of UK Food, but it also insults those of us who watch her programme and buy her books. I counted and I have four of her books, but none of Rhodes's. I wonder why that is? Maybe because Rhodes only cooks British favourites that are stodgy and laden with calories (I remember he created a recipe on TV that had something like 12 eggs in it), and yet he himself looks as if his food never passes his lips. As shown by the photo, frantic working out, at a ridiculous hour of the morning, gives the vain middle-aged Rhodes a six pack.

Well, most of us prefer the luscious curves of Nigella and their testimony to the deliciousness of her food. Recipes which are far more creative than Mr Rhodes' gussied-up toads-in-the-hole or nursery puddings.

I suggest his PR people go back to their drawing boards and find a better way for him to try to rekindle the flame that went out last year when his version of Hell's Kitchen, where, in complete contrast to his normal persona, he turned petulant bully and nearly sank the show for good until the wonderful Marco rescued it.

Becoming Hyacinth Bouquet

I was indulging one of my passions at the weekend, bidding on eBay for Royal Albert Old Country Roses salad plates. John merely rolled his eyes upon hearing that "I had won" (it sounds so exciting, even if it was "buy it now" which this one wasn't).

Those dear readers who know me may think it a trifle Hyacinth Bouquet to have such an extensive range of Old Country Roses china. Surely a bit twee for someone who likes minimalist and rarely wears florals?

True, and yet I still think it's wonderful (I love roses) and I can't stop collecting. Fortunately I have drawn the line at the more twee items like telephones, trinket jars and dorothy pots (whatever that is) but I do have salad servers, cheese knives and a bon bon dish in addition to all the usual plates, tea pots and tureens.

It all started when my mum had an Old Country Roses tea set many years ago. It stayed in its box, was referred to as "the Crown Derby" and was never used. She gave it to me about five years ago and since then I had added to the collection with gay abandon. It usually comes out twice a year, certainly at Christmas, and recently for a dinner party. The only drawback is that you can't put it in a microwave (the gold leaf) and I have never put it in the dishwasher.

You can still buy OCR in the shops. The Royal Doulton website has it. But as affectionados will tell you, the more recent china is made in Indonesia, so you have to look out on eBay for first quality, made in England, which takes it back to the 60s and 70s.

To complete my collection I'm looking out for a full set of cutlery (very rare) and to buy a couple more tureens. Then I can bustle around like a real Hyacinth Bouquet.

Kate gets the long awaited boot

My SCD predictions were all wrong again, but who cares? Kate Garraway finally got the boot. Thank God! It had become embarrassing, the spectacle of brave Anton heaving her round the dance floor every week; her studied lip biting as the judges delivered their repetitive criticism and the flagrant begging for votes.

Even my normally mild-mannered partner had tired of Kate and was quite vocal last night bellowing "get that woman OUT!" in the manner of my mum watching an international rugby match (although "go on my son" is her usual refrain).

Let's hope we get rid of Desperate Dan next week (Kenny) as he's equally as bad, lurching and posturing, and Ola looks increasingly like a pug.

What of the rest? Well, as expected, Kelly's jive was very good, though I had to suppress a smirk that it wasn't quite as good as Jill Halfpenny's and Kelly had wanted to do the best jive.

There's something not very endearing about Kelly. The ingenue act of giggling and the faked surprise when she gets through is very transparent, as she's never been a great actress. Underneath all that is a steel will and determination to win at all costs. This seems to mean increasing amounts of embonpoint and leg, so my prediction is that by the final she will be wearing next to nothing (like the champion Latin American female dancer from last night).

For me the best dance was Alesha and Matthew's waltz, which was dreamy and romantic, everything a waltz should be. Normally the waltz seems to be a pedestrian spin round the floor with a few token heel turns (get me!). I also liked Gethin and Camilla's rumba. I thought the judges were a bit hard on Gethin. He did come across as quite romantic and passionate, which was hard for him. I noticed the judges didn't even mention him when they were talking about those likely to be in the last three, yet last week they were eulogising about him.

Letitia was good, not marvellous, and her dress was much improved - although they need to work a bit harder to find her waist. I'm sure it's in there somewhere.

John Barnes was boring, and a likely candidate for the chop next week as he seems less popular with the public than "Mr Scotland" Kenny. Fortunately for Barnsey, he's a judges' favourite. It seems more obvious this year which are their favourites.

Finally, on an aside: I'm astonished at how the merchandising opportunity has not been grasped. If you do a Google search for ballroom dancing / SCD, you don't get very much beyond the official book I had last year. Where are the dvds, the franchised classes, the costumes, the frank autobiographies? (The Nicole and Matthew Cutler story seems fascinating!). And here's an idea for the BBC: a wonderful Christmas special by having well-known singers perform with the professional dancers interpreting the song, as they do in the results show each week.

Don't vote to vote in the little poll, possums, and how about some comments? Let's liven things up in here!

In praise of The Tudors

The TV critics in the more upmarket papers were very scathing about the US production of The Tudors, currently showing on BBC2. They sneered at the historical errors, the actors, the sets, the "dumbing down" of history. Mostly they sneered because the Americans have had the audacity to recreate this period in British history.

Well, tosh to the pretentious old snobs. It's true that The Tudors is a glossy adaptation with a Henry VIII that doesn't look too much like the fat ginger beardy we've seen from the later portraits. And there is a lot of rumpy pumpy. But if we manage to introduce a few youngsters to the magic of history through this programme, than so much the better.

I remember years ago when I discovered the Tudors through the less than historically accurate pages of a Jean Plaidy novel. I was transfixed by this story of a king and his six wives...and it was all true! I became a devotee of the Tudor period to such an extent that I have a reproduction of Holbein's Anne of Cleeves looking benevolently at us in the dining room, and a bookcase groaning with academic assessements of the era (not just the populists like David Starkey).

Jonathan Rhys Meyers as the king is a lot more suitable than the type we usually get, like Ray Winstone. In his day he was judged to be tall, when most men weren't, handsome, athletic and cultured. Katherine of Aragon is exactly as I imagined her, Ann Boleyn has won me round (she seemed a bit insipid to start with).

The only one who lets the side down, disappointingly, is Sam Neill as Wolsey. I've always liked Neill - he's a very versatile actor, and owns a vineyard too ("Two Paddocks" rather than Two Sheds). But in The Tudors his Wolsey somehow fails to hit the spot. He doesn't come across as obsequious, vile and toadying as Wolsey undoubtedly was.

Kenny to go

I wasn't too good at predicting the Strictly Come Dancing results last week so let's hope I return to form this weekend! I'm expecting John Barnes and Kenny Logan to be in the dance-off. Barnesey has to do the tango, and it's not a natural dance for him. He likes to move around, not be constrained. Kenny, well, he's generally very bad anyway. In the dance-off, the judges are bound to favour Barnsey again as they think he's got more natural rhythm than Kenny (but so would a donkey, frankly).
And what of Ms Garraway? Well, it's a no-brainer that she will get the worst score, but I think the public is going for the long haul here and she may get through again. I'm even starting to think of her as a finist. She's doing a paso, and it looks as if Anton will try to grip her in iron hold the entire dance. She's unlikely to display any of the drama or contrast needed.
I'm expecting the best performance from Kelly, in the jive; an OK performance from Letitia, and second best performance from Alesha (waltz). I think Matt will score over 30. Gethin may struggle with the rumba - they all do. He's had difficulty expressing an emotional bond with Camilla and I'm not sure he'll pull it off.